In the end, she finished her schooling by correspondence a year ahead of her peers and then ran away to Edinburgh. It was only an hour and a half away, but it might as well have been on the moon. Her parents had been beside themselves with dire predictions. But it was everything she wanted… except for one thing. It was bright and vibrant and exciting. But she still didn’t quite fit in.
Growing up alone had left her deeply uncomfortable in social situations. Everyone else had watched the latest drama, laughed at the newest comedian, and posted a video of themselves doing a ridiculous dance. She hadn’t even known those things existed. How could she make friends when she had nothing in common with anyone?
She loved working as a Healer within a Circle of talented, experienced people. She worked hard and learned a lot, for the first time truly expanding her Shadows’ abilities. But she was younger than everyone else. She didn’t have the established friendships and years of shared history that they all had. She didn’t understand the references they made. And she was, once again, often alone.
It wasn’t that she wanted it that way. She wanted the kind of easy friendship that seemed to be depicted everywhere she looked but somehow never quite worked out for her. Even to herself, she seemed like a paradox. She loved people, but it took her time to get to know them. To feel like they could be friends. And by the time she was ready, they’d moved on.
The Edinburgh Circle was small and she had plenty of free time even after offering to support the other local Circles. So, despite her parents’ fears—or perhaps because among their stories, she’d heard something of their early hopes—she decided to volunteer in the city’s Duine hospital.
She had colleagues she got on well with and her share of one-night stands and occasional boyfriends, but they were always Duine—and the relationships always fizzled out or she ended them. She just never found anyone worth risking the wrath of the Order to hold on to.
Then the chance came to move south. She met David, who was looking for a senior Healer, and something inside her clicked.Thiswas the place she wanted to be.Thiswas the Circle she wanted to be part of.
Joining the London Circle was a dream come true. Everything she’d worked for, wished for, striven for. It was her chance to reinvent herself.
Her Mam and Papa had been even more horrified, if that was possible. They’d doubled down on their warnings, but she was used to their worries, and they didn’t frighten her. She’d never let them hold her back before.
London was her chance to finally find friends and, hopefully, someone who would be more. She’d held her parents tight, kissed them on their cheeks, told them she loved them, and left.
The Highgate Circle House was luxurious and supremely comfortable. Her new Circle was dynamic, full of activity, life, and people her age. London was a glittering feast of excitement and adventure. It was everything she’d always wanted.
And then, two weeks after she moved in, James took a fist to the eye during training, and he came to see her.
They’d met briefly when she was given the tour of the house by David on her first day, of course. Zach and James had been fighting with Shadow swords in the basement dojo and she’d wanted to fling herself at him even then.
In their brief—and distant—interactions after that, he’d been flirtatious, charming, and always insanely attractive. The jokes about James going out with a new blonde every weekend had been entirely understandable. But she hadn’t imagined that he would be interested in her. Inside, she was still the girl from the isolated farm. The loner who talked more to animals than to people. And she didn’t even try to get close to him. Why would she?
But then he’d come to her clinic. He’d sat in the chair opposite her, and, as if the entire universe had been pulling her to that specific moment, she finally put her hands on him.
In that instant, she knew exactly who he was to her.
Her Shadows had poured through her, rising like a jade-green wave. Desire, heat, hunger, connection, and, twining through them, exhilaration had sparkled through her veins.
It was like standing on the top of a mountain, the wind lifting her hair, birds calling through the sky, and knowing, instinctively, that she could fly. Even better, it was knowing that she was not alone in that wide sky. That he flew beside her. They were together, and she would never be alone again.
Her Shadows had recognized him.
And yet, despite that life-changing connection. Despite his Shadows recognizing hers, and the way his eyes had widened, pupils dilating as their gazes locked. Despite the hours they’d spent together in the weeks that followed. Despite the way he’d called her beautiful and told her she was his home. Despite the way he’d worshipped her body, driving her insane with pleasure, his Shadows reaching parts of her she hadn’t even considered before. Despite all of that. Here she was, lying on top of the covers on an uncomfortable bed in a house that wasn’t hers, watching a spiderweb floating on the slight breeze. Alone. As usual.
Unlike her parents’ dire warnings, it wasn’t the danger of the world that hurt her, but a blue-eyed Guardian with charm and wit and a lopsided grin. A man who’d ripped out her heart without even noticing.
Oh, hell no.James’s first words to her after waking up—from her saving his life, she might add—were exactly what she should have expected… but somehow hadn’t. Somehow, they had hurt. Again.
He’d blamed Kay for letting Riley join them. He’d looked her in the eye and told them all that he planned to kill Gordon. And then he’d stumbled back the way he’d come, holding the wall with one hand as he swayed, desperate to get away. Desperate to get away fromher.
God. The man she lo… had cared for… was planning murder.Murder. And he’d poisoned himself to do it. And she was clearly deeply broken, because she couldn’t even find it in herself to care about the crime he was planning. All she could think about was the horror on his face when his eyes met hers.
The whole time she’d been clearing the toxins from his blood, she’d dreaded discovering what could have happened to him. Who could have hurt him. But he had done it to himself. Just like all the rest of this shit show.
She rolled over onto her side and faced the wall, ignoring the spike of guilt that came with the thought. Elizabeth had told her enough of what had happened for her to know that it wasn’tallJames’s fault. Mostly, it was Gordon’s. Intellectually, she knew that. With anyone else, hell, even strangers off the street, she would have felt nothing but empathy for what they’d endured. But James… her soul demanded more from him.
And he’d failed.
He should have told her what was happening. Should have warned her about what was coming. If he’d explained it, she could have helped him, could have stood beside him, could have donesomething. And even if he’d had a good reason for facing it all himself, afterward, when it had all gone wrong, he should have called her. If he’d wanted her, if he’d cared for her at all, he would never have ghosted her.
She grunted and punched her uncomfortable pillow, trying to force it to soften just a little. Eventually, she could probably forgive him. She had lo— cared for him, after all. But forgetting would be far more difficult.
Earlier, while they waited in Gordon’s street and she wondered if there might be some kind of way back for them, she’d been confused. She’d been overwhelmed by all the things she’d learned and by James saying he loved her. But not anymore. He couldn’t get away from her fast enough, and that wasfine. She’d seen enough of his red flags to ensure she never put her heart anywhere near himever again.
