He wrapped his hands over the back of his neck and squeezed the aching muscles. How was it possible to be so angry? So betrayed. And yet, so terrified that the person who’d hurt you might not make it through the night?
James had put him back together when they were boys. After Zach’s sister died, just two years after his mother, Zach had sunk into a deep black hole that he couldn’t see any way out of. It was James who’d turned up, hauled him out of his silent room, and forced him to go outside. James who’d made Zach go back to the beach and shoved a surfboard in his hands. James who’d bought him his first beer and handed over his own car keys for Zach’s first date. And now James might not make it… after betraying everything they believed in.
The thought made Zach want to howl and rage and run as far as he could to escape the pain. He wanted to sink his fist into James’s battered face for the way he’d betrayed his friends. Hisfamily. James had ripped their friendship apart, shredded his trust, and rocked the foundation Zach had built his whole life on—the support of their triad. But he couldn’t do it, because James was wounded. And the last thing Zach wanted was to hurt him more.
It was too much. Too many confusing emotions warring with each other. Zach only had two defenses to rely on. First, to make sure that his triad was safe. Protect them when they were vulnerable. And second, to work harder. Throw himself into his responsibilities and close off the churning feelings that he had no way of dealing with. That was what he’d always done. The problem was that his triad definitely wasn’t safe, and, for the first time in his life, working harder wasn’t an option.
He’d poured his energy into becoming the youngest Dru-vid to ever join the Council. Thousands of hours of blood and sweat and tears… all for what? He was the most senior member of the entire Order—after the Councilors and Custodians—and he had done it in ten years of utter dedication. He’d managed the investment teams, the training programs, the Circle administration, and the property portfolio, on top of his Guardian duties. All for nothing.
Zach groaned, letting the cool wood under his forehead soothe his aching head. He’d always known the Council had issues. That was why he’d worked so hard to join them in the first place. He wanted to fix them.
The Council had denied his mother the chance at Healing. She had died without help—all in the name of their precious secrecy—and he’d been convinced that if he just worked hard enough, if he was dedicated enough, he’d get to a position where he could make a difference. A position where he would have enough authority to rid them of their secrecy and myopia. He had believed that he could change them for the better. God. He had been so astonishingly arrogant.
Now he knew it was impossible. All that work was for nothing. He had authority. He had access to the Council. He was in line to join them within the next five years. And it didn’t change a single fucking thing.
The Council refused to even consider that blood Shadows had been brought back to the world. They were blocking the Guardians from accessing the information they needed to fight the deadliest threat they’d ever faced. They’d even threatened them all with Shadow stripping if they so much as discussed the possibility. And now Gordon had disappeared and the Council had forbidden any attempt to find him.
Elizabeth was utterly convinced the Council was somehow involved in Gordon’s plans. But even if they weren’t, even if they genuinely were this blinkered, there was no way Zach and Kay could go back to them now. Not without implicating James. If they did that, the Council would Shadow strip their friend in a heartbeat.
The muscles in the back of Zach’s neck bunched even tighter. His life’s work and his friendship with James were both crumbling to nothing. He’d been awake for what felt like days. His suit was hanging, rumpled and stained, over the chair in his room at Elizabeth’s house. He hadn’t opened his computer or checked his phone. And now he was having some kind of breakdown on Bryn’s tiny kitchen table. He might have laughed if he hadn’t thought it might come out as a sob.
The front door opened and Zach pushed himself back up to sitting, swiping his fingers through his hair to neaten it as much as he could. He reached for his coffee just as Kay and Ethan stepped into the kitchen.
They both looked tired. Kay had rings under her eyes and Ethan had obviously given up on shaving. They slumped into the chairs opposite his, leaning on each other. They’d both been helping with James and sharing the night shift with Zach. And they’d been helping Elizabeth too. As strong as Kay’s grandmother was, she had been struggling since her kidnapping.
Zach almost snorted. Since her kidnapping. Hell. When had he started glossing over what happened? Elizabeth had been struggling sinceJames kidnapped her.
Ethan wrapped his arm around Kay’s shoulders and pulled her closer. Close enough that Zach almost wanted to look away. They were tired, but they also had… something. It wasn’t peace, exactly, it was too hot for that. It was a connection so potent and vibrant that Zach could feel it from across the table.
He was too young when his mother died to be aware of the connection between his parents, but his father had once—in a rare moment of shared grief—admitted that their Shadows had chosen each other. In the years since then, as his father withdrew deeper and deeper into himself, that kind of dedication had seemed like more of a curse than a gift. Why would anyone want to be that vulnerable?
He took a sip of his cold coffee, swallowing the groan that wanted to escape.
“Hey, Zach.” Kay covered his hand with hers for a moment. “You okay?”
Zach forced himself to lean back and smile. Kay had enough on her plate without worrying about him and his very early midlife crisis. Third of life crisis? Was that a thing? Either way, Kay had been through a lot. She should be looking after herself, not Zach.
The image of Kay collapsed on the ground, her face bruised, her body beaten, and her Shadows lost, flickered through his mind. If she had died, it would have broken him. His mother. Laura. Kay… even James. It was too fucking much.
But he didn’t say any of that. Opening that can of worms could only cause pain. He lifted his chin. “I’m fine.”
Kay rolled her eyes while Ethan gave him a skeptical look.
“You don’t look fine,” Kay murmured.
Ethan shrugged. “She’s right.” Of course, Ethan would agree with Kay.
“We just want to help, you know,” Kay said softly.
She did. Zach knew that. But somehow, over the years, he’d gotten better at giving support than taking it. They didn’t need to know how badly James’s betrayal and near-death had affected him. How badly Kay’s collapse had rattled him.
“I’m tired,” he admitted eventually. It was true enough. He’d been tired even before the entire world had gone to shit. “I’ve spent every minute that James hasn’t needed me hunting for Emma.”
“Gordon’s daughter?” Ethan asked. “Elizabeth said you knew her.”
“Yeah, we were friends when we were younger. Our mothers were best friends and we played together all the time.”
Zach was two years old when Emma was born, and he’d fallen easily into the role of protector, and then, as she got older, even more easily into the role of best friend. “Emma’s mother died, and Gordon shipped her off to school in Paris. The Circle there has a boarding school.”
