Ethan shook his head roughly, his face tortured. “I don’t want to hear about you and James. I can’t… I can’t do this again.”
She stood slowly, bringing the sheet with her, ignoring the tears wetting her face, and lifted her chin. “You’re making a mistake.”
Ethan turned around and walked out, slamming the door.
Slowly, alone in the bedroom, Kay gathered her things together, dumping them into her open bag. Her bra was tangled in Ethan’s shirt, and she tried to pull it apart, but the clasp snagged on a piece of cotton and her trembling fingers couldn’t get them free.
Eventually, she just let it drop to the floor along with the shirt. She didn’t want it anymore. She pulled on jeans and a black hoodie and walked out to the living room.
God. She had taken a chance. She had fallen. And now she was shattering.
She took a shaky breath and wiped her nose on her sleeve before she pulled on her boots at the door and grabbed her bag, slinging it over her shoulder.
Ethan stood looking out of the window, his back to her, shoulders hunched, one hand wrapped around the back of his neck.
Kay turned to let herself out but then thought better of it. If she was never going to see him again, she would at least say what she had to say. Her throat was tight and aching as she forced the words out. “I have never lied to you. Not once. I told you, no games. None of this makes sense. Why would I take you to see Elizabeth if I was engaged to someone else? Don’t you think she would have noticed?”
Kay lifted her chin, locking her knees to hold herself upright when all she wanted was to sink to the floor. “When you think about it, Ethan, you’re going to realize that there were two stories here and only mine was the truth. I have no idea why James did what he did, why he showed you… all of that. But we could have figured it out together.”
Ethan turned and met her eyes. He looked ravaged, his face drawn and pale. Kay gripped her bag, holding it like an anchor in the swirling chaos of their howling Shadows. She swallowed and made herself continue. “You had this chance to trust me, to believe in me, and you didn’t. You said you accept me as I am, but you don’t. Because you still think I’mher. And when you think about this later, you’re going to realize that I never lied. You did.”
She paused to blow her nose on a crumpled tissue from her pocket. “I made myself a promise a long time ago that I would only be with someone who accepts me as I am, someone I can trust to have my back. And that isn’t you, is it?”
“I—” He stared at her, not speaking.
Kay took a step back, and then another.
“Kay, please…. I just… I need time. Alone. Those pictures, that ring—” Ethan dragged his hand down his face. His voice dropped to a rough whisper. “Iwantto trust you, but this….”
God. He wanted to. But he didn’t. Not truly. And it wasn’t enough. Their Shadows had chosen each other, but that wouldn’t save them, not if he didn’t choose her too.
Kay hauled her rioting Shadows back under control, forcing them back, away from Ethan, and accepted the truth. Whatever had been growing between them, whatever she had started to believe might be their future. It was over.
He shoved his hands into his pockets and turned away to look out the window once more, still not speaking. That was going to be the last view she ever had of him—his back as he turned away from her—and somehow it was fitting.
ChapterNineteen
Kay rode aimlessly through London,hardly noticing the people and vehicles around her. Hardly caring. More lost and alone than ever before in her life. Not even when she left her parents and moved to Wales had she felt so broken.
Their Shadows had joined. It was something she hadn’t thought she’d ever experience. She’d trusted Ethan. And in return, he’d devastated her.
Eventually, she found herself outside St Pancras Old Church. She parked and walked up to the beautiful old building, remembering coming here with Ethan, allowing the sharp stab of pain. Welcoming it.
She found a quiet spot on the grass, away from the entrance, where she could sit quietly as people passed her. People laughing and smiling, old people holding hands.
Her chest tightened and she battled for breath against the rising, overwhelming misery. Her Shadows lay heavy and sullen in her belly. She had lost him; she’d lost the dream that had started to unfold. And now she was lost, too.
She took out her phone, slipped in her earbuds, and then scrolled through her music until she found the saddest songs she knew. Songs about loss and grief and pain. She bowed her head, listening to the words echoing through her as she felt the thousand tiny pieces of her heart slowly settle around her like shards of glass.
God. She’d imagined that he truly saw her, that he wanted her as she was. But he couldn’t even look at her.
The ground grew cold beneath her legs as the church bells rang, and as much as she felt like curling into a ball right there, she knew she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. Kay wiped her face with tired hands and then straightened her spine, pulling herself together.
She had to get up. She was a fighter. That’s what she did, and that was all she would ever do. No one else would get the chance to make her feel what Ethan had as he turned away.
But where should she go? She wasn’t ready to go home and confront James. She couldn’t even imagine what he had been thinking; it was too appallingly stunning to contemplate that he could do such a thing. She had always relied on him and Zach. And now… now she couldn’t bear to think about either of them.
Hell. What would the fallout from this do to the team? She couldn’t live in the same house with James. How would it impact her position as a Guardian? There was no way that she could work with James ever again… it was going to tear their triad apart. David would support her—if she could drag him out of his secret meetings with the Council—but this was a disaster that was going to impact on the whole Circle.
