“Okay.” She nodded to herself. “I can do this.” She let out a wobbly breath, cleared her throat, and then spoke quietly. “I’m pregnant.”
Gods. Gods. He didn’t…. Had he even heard her properly? “You’re what?”
“Pregnant. We… ah…. That day—” One of her hands dropped to her belly and cradled it protectively.
“I didn’t.” He shook his head. “I mean….”
How could he explain? He’d thought he’d protected her. He certainly hadn’t intended…. Gods.
She understood immediately and shook her head gently. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Tor. I know you tried. Nim said that it doesn’t always work.”
He sat up beside her, twisting so he could look at her properly. “You’re sure?”
And yet, even as he asked it, he knew the truth. It all made sense. Her sickness, her insistence that he think about their future, leaving him a letter, the depth of Tristan’s anger. Mathos refusing to speak to him. Val’s little “welcome to the family” speech. Because of course Tristan would know. Val, and Mathos. Lucilla too. Gods. They all knew.
Most importantly, he knew deep in his soul that Keely would never, ever lie about something like this.
They were having a baby.
Their baby.
Hisbaby.
And then the truth hit him like an avalanche of ice pouring down his naked skin. They all knew, except him. And they had all known she was leaving anyway. He had come so very close to losing her. To losing them both. “You were going to leave and take my baby away?”
She frowned, biting her lip. “No. It wasn’t like that. You had already left to search for Lucilla when I realized. And when you came back, you refused to even look at me. Literally, the last thing you said to me was that you couldn’t see a future for us. But I still asked you to come with us to Verturia. I told you we had more to discuss. I tried, Tor.” She tilted her head to the side. “I left the letter for you. I wanted you to know. I wanted you to come and find us, but I didn’t want to force you to make a decision that you were uncomfortable with.”
He leaned back against the wall behind him and tried to think. What she was saying sounded sensible, but it was so hard to get past the fact that she had left and taken his baby with her.
She had said she didn’t want a soldier, that she wanted to leave, and she’d acted on it.
He had known it was too good to be true. Known she couldn’t possibly want him. Not forever. He had chosen her, but she had always intended to leave him behind and make her way to Verturia.
She’d wanted to be away from him so badly that she was prepared to travel while she was pregnant and live alone with a baby. If she had made it over the border, would he have ever found her again? Would he have ever found his child again? The fear of losing them both rushed over him, fogging his brain.
He wrapped his hands around the back of his neck and squeezed.
Even knowing that she carried his child, she’d still decided to go. Yet another family that didn’t want him. How could he ever trust her to stay?
“What?” Her voice shook as she flung herself out of the blankets and stood. “How dare you say that you can’t trust me.”
Fuck. Had he said it aloud? All of it or only part of it? He was so utterly exhausted, so full of emotion roiling through him. Joy and fear and an unreasonable, unreasoning rage at her for making him so vulnerable.
“Yes, you bloody did say it aloud,” she spat as she pulled her clothes on with sharp tugs that would have looked furious if he hadn’t been able to see how badly her hands were shaking.
She tried to yank her boots on. Fumbled, and then tried again, eventually succeeding, and then flung her cloak on.
Her lip was so badly chewed it had started to bleed, and the sight made him want to howl.
He had hurt her. Again. But he couldn’t seem to make himself stop. All he wanted was a family.Thisfamily. The one he had chosen for himself. And for a brief shining moment, he’d had it. With the woman he needed and wanted beyond all reason. And she had almost taken his chance away.
It pulled at something dark and twisted inside him. The knot that had never unraveled. And it brought back all the fear and grief and impotent rage of standing in his parents’ reception room as his father called for the guards.
Another person who should have loved him, sending him away. Leaving him alone. Didn’t she realize how much power she had over him?
The words fell out of him before he could hold them back. “How could you do this to me?”
“How couldIdo this toyou?” she repeated with stunned incredulity.
