She had done everything she could. She had asked Tor to go with her. She had arranged to speak with him. She was leaving a letter in case anything went wrong. “You’re right, you know,” she said softly to Lucilla. “This is better. I fought for him. Whatever he decides, I’ll know that I tried.”
The only thing she wasn’t prepared to do was stay in Kaerlud. Waiting and wishing, constantly looking out for a man to come back to her—only to get her heart broken—wasn’t for her. She couldn’t do it again.
Within the next few days, he would know everything. And if he didn’t want to join them in Verturia, she would start again. She would find herself again. She would be the strong mother that the tiny spark of life growing in her belly deserved.
Chapter Ten
Tor swung his greatsword two-handed,starting low and sweeping up in a wide circle over his shoulder and back down. Then he switched to the other side in another huge arc. And switched again.
His arms burned and sweat ran down his face despite the icy wind curling through the empty early-morning parade ground, but he kept swinging.
It was the Bar-Ulf sword—passed down to him when he left to join the military—a sword that represented centuries of family history. And yet, despite all the wealth and power his grandfather had accumulated, here he was, exercising alone on the parade ground. He’d been disowned, Keely was gone, and the Hawks were hardly speaking to him. What would his grandfather think? Probably exactly what his parents had thought. That they were better off without him.
He swung the heavy sword again. And again. Wide, muscle-tormenting, back-breaking arcs. Normally it was a meditation for him, a time, each day, to push his body and calm his mind. But not today. Not on any of the days since his final conversation with Keely.
They wounded you…. You have to make a choice…. You don’t want me enough….
He swung harder, hefting the heavy steel up and over, around and down, and then again on the other side. Relishing the pain.You’ll never be able to move forward.Gods.
He swung his sword until he could smell his own sour sweat, until his arms were shaking with exhaustion. And then he swung it again.
Your family took their approval away from you, and it’s killing you.
You don’t want me enough.
The words boiled through his brain, and he couldn’t make them stop. No matter how many hours he spent swinging the heavy sword, drilling the new guards, drinking alone in his room, he couldn’t forget.
Three nights since she’d said goodnight and closed the door in his face. Two days. And one dawn. The longest, most torturous hours of his life.
Because she was right. He had wanted the safety of the days before his life went to shit. He’d wanted his certainty back, wanted to feel as confident of his life as he had before Ravenstone. And maybe he had even held a tiny, conflicted hope that his family would take him back.
But she was wrong that he didn’t want her enough.
He had fucked up because saying the right thing was so bloody difficult. And he’d really fucked up by leaving her alone for so long. The long weeks away from her had made her doubt the truth of how much he wanted to be with her. And who could blame her?
She didn’t trust that he wanted her. And he couldn’t make himself believe that she would stay with a man like him. Discussing it again, repeating the same words again, wouldn’t have helped.
Which was why he hadn’t gone to see her before she left.
He still couldn’t leave his responsibilities. The look on her face when she’d asked him to travel to Verturia and he’d said no had nearly broken him. He couldn’t go through that twice. And, if he was being honest, he couldn’t bear to say goodbye.
He had watched from the battlements as they prepared to leave. Keely, Alanna, and Val leading the way. Jos and Rafe just behind them. A squad of hand-picked guards forming up at the rear. They were newly recruited cavalry soldiers, all vetted by Jeremiel and Tristan, all proud to be wearing their brand-new Blues. Buthedidn’t know them.
He had forced himself not to charge down the stairs and insist that they take more soldiers. Even better, take more of the Hawks, men they knew they could trust on the long road north.
But Tristan was needed in the palace, Mathos would never leave Lucilla, and Garet and Jeremiel were working with the new Blues. Recruiting, training, overseeing—while Jeremiel took the role of senior truth seeker, responsible for determining exactly how the soldiers and staff had behaved under Ballanor.
Which left Tor. He could have asked to travel with the squad to Verturia. Maybe he should have? Keely had asked him to go… and she’d been hurt that he had stayed behind. She’d tried to hide it behind her stiff shoulders and her firm gaze, but he knew her well enough to know the truth. He knew how good she was at masking her pain and pretending she wasn’t bleeding.
It was another reason why he hadn’t gone to see her. He was already halfway convinced that he should go north with her. If she asked again, he probably would have abandoned his commitments to be with her.
He had made himself watch, looking down at her while she stood beside her horse long after everyone else was in their saddles. Almost as if she was waiting. Maybe even waiting for him. She’d looked up, once, and he’d almost imagined that she’d seen him, but then she’d turned away again.
He’d had to remind himself that time apart would help. That he could use it to get himself together, to mold himself back into someone worthy. That he was protecting them both. He’d leaned against the stone, using it like an anchor, and forced himself to watch her ride away.
But, in the time since she had left, he’d slowly realized that he’d been wrong. The time apart was not helping. He was not getting himself together. Instead, he felt as if he had taken his sword to his chest, carved his heart out, and sent it with her.
Their party would be traveling slowly to account for the wagons and the carriage that would be accompanying them. They’d been traveling for two days so far, so that gave another four or five before they crossed through the pass into Verturia. Then another day to the capital at least.
