“I didn’t…I….” He took a breath. He had been avoiding her, they both knew it. “Youare the one who walked away from me. You hiked through the forest in the middle of the night toward who knew what kind of danger to get away from me.”
Her eyes narrowed. “And why was that, Tor? Do you remember?”
He closed his eyes and let his head drop, arms still outstretched like a supplicant. Did he remember? He didn’t think he would ever forget. The scene played in his mind in a constant loop of regret and shame.
“Do you remember what you said, Tor?” Keely asked again.
Gods. He had let her think all he wanted was a quick fuck up against a tree when he should have just told her the truth: that he hadn’t dared to dream that she would want to be with him, but he would hold her tight for as long as she would allow. That he wanted a future with her, he just hadn’t imagined it. He should have admitted that he had nothing to offer her. And then he should have asked for her to stay with him—even if just for a little while—anyway.
He opened his eyes, his hands still gripping the door frame like a lifeline. “I remember.”
“And now? Do your plans include me now?” she asked quietly, watching him carefully.
Gods. Everything had changed since that afternoon. Everything. He was back in the palace, surrounded by the Hawks, with all his old status and privileges, more even. And yet he still couldn’t find it in him to plan the future. When he tried to imagine it, it faded into nothing. Or overwhelmed him with duties and obligations.
All except her. The time he’d spent with her was the only thing that made sense. He wanted his plans to include her, whatever they might be.
It didn’t change that somewhere in her heart she had considered leaving. That she hadn’t wanted to be with a soldier. That he was unworthy of her. But still, he could do what he should have done that day and tell her how important she was to him.
His voice was low enough to be a growl as he replied. “That time, with you, it meant a lot to me. I want us to be together, for however long that might be.”
She frowned. “Why should I believe you, Tor, when you’ve done everything possible to show me that the last thing you want is to be with me?”
“Gods. I know. I just… didn’t want to make it worse. And then so much happened so quickly… I was caught up in it all, and time passed, and every day that went by it got worse. And I didn’t know how to fix it.”
Her eyebrows raised. “And now you do?”
The wooden frame creaked under the strain of his grip. He didn’t know how to fix it. But avoiding his feelings, avoiding her, wasn’t working either. “No. I don’t know anything. I only know that I can’t live like this. I can’t bear watching you from across the room when all I want to do is touch you. I want us to try again… to be together. Friends, if that’s all you need. To be anything you want, for however long you’ll have me.”
He looked her in the eye and tried to show her how sincere he was. “Please.”
For the first time her expression softened, and she took a small step forward.
“And then what?” she asked in a low voice.
He forced his fingers to loosen. “What do you mean?”
“What do you imagine for us? Can you even see a future where we’re together?”
He let go of the doorframe to grip the back of his neck. He had nothing to give her except honesty. “I don’t know what having a future even means.”
“Why not?” she asked, a hint of her old fire creeping back into her voice. “Tell me exactly what I’m incapable of giving you so that I can understand.”
He flinched. “There’s nothing you’re incapable of—gods, Keely, I’ve never doubted that you can do anything you want. That’s not it. It’s my whole life that feels out of control.”
He tightened his fingers on the muscles at the back of his neck, holding on. How could he explain when it didn’t even make sense to him?
“Why now, Tor?” Keely asked quietly. “Why are you saying all this to me now?”
“Because I can’t stand for you to go back to Verturia with Val and Alanna without speaking to you. Because I spend all day thinking about you and I need you to know that I want to be with you.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I miss you.”
She swallowed. “I miss you too. But Tor, these weeks—” She shook her head slowly. “My life is more complicated now. Before, I wanted to know that I meant something to you. I wanted to feel that there was a chance for us. But now… now I need to know that you can truly see some kind of future together.”
Fuck. The hurt gleaming in her eyes nearly broke him. And he understood. So much had changed so quickly, it was no wonder she wanted to be more settled—especially after the months she’d spent living in fear under Ballanor’s rule. She had talked about wanting a home, and he wanted to give her one. But he wasn’t sure that what he had was enough. He had no name to offer. He had a room in the barracks, the uniform he wore, and his grandfather’s sword, but nothing else in the world. And Keely wanted—she deserved—more than just another soldier.
She lifted her hand as if to reach out toward him, but then dropped it back at her side, and he felt the loss of that almost-touch in his soul. Long seconds passed as she watched him, and he watched her. She was looking for something, or deciding something, but he didn’t know what.
Eventually, her spine straightened, and she lifted her chin, shoulders squared as if she was facing a battle rather than talking to him from the warm safety of her room. “Come with me, Tor. We can travel north together and figure things out between us. I would like to… to try again.”
