“No, I don’t want that.” Lucilla stepped closer to Mathos, close enough to see that his eyes were almost entirely gold.
“I promised to protect you, and this is the best way to do it,” he said firmly. And then he lowered his voice to a whisper, too low for anyone else to hear. “I wanted….” He swallowed heavily. “Goodbye, Lucy.”
“No, Matt—” She reached out to hold him back, but he had already spun and walked away.
Gods. What was she supposed to do? Should she run after him?
Tristan gave her a gentle nudge toward the ladder. “Let’s get you to the palace, and you can speak to him when he meets us there. I’ll make certain of it.”
“No.” She didn’t want to wait; she wanted Matt at her side. “I—”
Nim came forward and clasped her arm gently. “I’m sorry, Lucilla. He’s not coming back. And we’re out of time. If we don’t move now, you’ll be caught on theStarand all of this will be for nothing. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Get to the palace and then you can—”
“Hard-a-port! Evasive maneuvers!” Captain Cassiel bellowed, and the crew leaped to respond.
There was no more time. They had to go. Nim’s voice echoed in her mind.One thing at a time.
She took a deep breath. Let it out again. And then turned and climbed down the ladder, the deck—and Mathos—soon lost from view.
Strong hands lifted her into the longboat and settled her onto a wooden bench as Nim and Tristan jumped down behind her.One thing at a time.
“Cast off,” Tor rumbled, and suddenly they were loose. Oars dipped and pulled, and the boat moved steadily away from the ship. They had no lanterns, no light of any kind, the sound of the oars lost in the rush of water around them.
Spray from the waves and the oars ran down her face, and she wiped it away, tasting the salt, trying to breathe through the ache in her throat. Mathos had left her. That’s what Nim and Tristan were trying to tell her. That was the reason for the soft looks and gentle kindness. That’s what they meant when they said he wasn’t coming back.
He had said he didn’t have relationships. Not with anyone. He had told her. But she hadn’t believed he would leave her like this.
If she was being honest with herself, she hadn’t believed he would leave her at all.
He’d promised, hadn’t he? Not to leave her. Gods.
She’d felt so connected to him. The way he looked at her. The way he’d made love to her. It had felt like something real. Something lasting. It had made her hope.
She had been about to tell him that she loved him.
And he’d stopped her. She hadn’t realized at the time, but looking back, she wondered. Had he done that on purpose?
What was she going to do without him? Every time she’d imagined being queen, she’d imagined him with her. He was her new dream. Her new adventure.
Except he wasn’t. It had never been more than a fantasy. She stared out to the dark waves and wiped her face again, breathing hard against the sob caught in her throat, forcing it down.
A warm hand slipped into hers, and she turned in surprise to see Nim watching her, her eyes understanding. Nim leaned closer and whispered, too low for anyone else to hear, “Men make mistakes, just like the rest of us.”
“What do you mean?” Lucilla whispered back, fighting the tremble in her voice.
Nim’s forehead furrowed. “I’ve never seen Mathos behave in the way he’s been acting. He’s angry and sullen, picking fights. See that bruise on Jos’s cheek—that’s from Mathos.”
Lucilla squinted in the darkness across to Jos. He did have a deep purple bruise underneath his eye.
“Mathos is the man who has a joke for everything. Who never takes anything seriously. And then he did that because Jos made some crack about how Mathos kept checking on you.”
“He checked on me? Really?”
“All the time. But I’ll tell you what surprised me the most.” Nim squeezed her hand. “He hasn’t called anyone darlin’, not even Keely”—she gestured to the pale woman staring resolutely out into the darkness—“and he normally loves flirting with her just to get a reaction out of Tor.”
Matt had checked on her all day. But then he’d left her alone when it was time to leave. She swallowed. “What does it all mean?”
“It means that whatever stupid decision he’s busy making is the wrong one. He’s hurting, and he’s lashing out to try and make himself feel better.” Nim gave her a kind smile. “He’s being an ass. But if you think you can forgive him for hurting you, if you want him enough, despite the way he’s behaving, then speak to him and force him to listen. If you feel the way that I think you feel about him, you’re going to have to fight for him.”
