“Gods. You were a child.” She couldn’t keep the shock from her voice. “Where was your mother?”
He grunted unhappily. “She also went to the neighbor. He married her and took in my sisters a year later. His only requirement was that I leave. She chose him… and I joined the army. I’ve been a soldier ever since, and that is what I’ll always be. I’m happier on my own.”
Damn. He’d been little more than a baby. Left to take responsibility for the adults who should have been protecting him.
She wished she could meet his mother one day and tell her what she thought of her selfishness. And she wanted to tell him that she would never leave him. Would never choose status and wealth over him. Would never choose anyone else.
But she knew he didn’t want to hear it. And she also knew that—while he would never intentionally lie to her again—he was lying to himself. He said that he wanted to spend his life moving. That all he wanted was to be a soldier. But the way he spoke of the Hawks and the grief in his voice when he talked about how his family had rejected him told her that it wasn’t true. Deep inside him, he wanted to be loved, but having been hurt so badly, he wouldn’t take the risk.
It made her want to weep for him. To tell him that she would prove herself to him so that he would know he was safe with her. But she held the words in. Instead, she tried to give a truth that he could accept. “Gods, Matt, you are so much more than you think. I wish you could see what I see. A good, capable man who takes far more than his fair share of responsibility. You didn’t let your family down—they let you down.”
She leaned down to press a gentle kiss to his chest and then another, letting her mouth trail down his chest and then up to his neck. He shivered, and some of the tension left him, encouraging her.
She ran her tongue along his collarbone and up his neck, then sank her teeth gently into his earlobe and tugged.
His hands clamped down on her hips as the tension surrounding him coalesced into a predatory focus on every move she made.
She shifted to look down on him in the darkness—his eyes were almost completely gold—and then he pulled her down and took her mouth once more.
Chapter Sixteen
Days passed far more pleasantlythan should have been possible—on the run from Dornar, no horses, no shelter, having to forage for their food—but he had Lucy’s smile, and it was enough.
They woke early every morning and spent the day walking hard as the landscape changed around them from dense forest, through increasingly sparse woodland, and eventually to open heath.
She learned fast. By the second day, she was gathering far more of their food than he was and was increasingly aware of potential dangers around them.
She was bright and interesting. He loved talking to her, hearing her opinions. Or, even better, her rare, husky laugh. Her eyes would widen as she laughed, as if she was surprised by her own amusement. As if she had never laughed before.
And damn it, he wished he could make her laugh every day.
Each night they built a shelter together and then spent the hours between sunset and sleep in each other’s arms, learning each other’s bodies.
It was a surreal fantasy. As if he’d found himself catapulted through the stars and onto a strange, uninhabited planet. Somewhere in the distant heavens, with no past and no future. No demands and no responsibilities. Just Matt and Lucy.
She was the only woman he had ever spent more than one night with. The only woman he’d ever told about his family. She was the only woman he’d ever deeply cared about in anything other than a brotherly way.
He’d almost told her how he felt. Fuck, that had nearly been a disaster. But, strangely, it had helped. It was a warning that he couldn’t ignore. After that, he’d been far more careful with what he said.
Except at night. Alone in their tiny shelter each night, surrounded by her, by her scent, by the slow glide of her skin on his. Then, he couldn’t help himself. He told her how beautiful she was, how much he admired her. How he loved the way she tasted, the feeling of her in his arms, the look on her face as she fell apart. How much he needed her.
All of it true.
But however magical it was, however enchanting the fantasy, he knew that was all it was. And that their time together would be ending soon.
The slight tang in the air, the whip of sea breeze and salt in the air told him that their journey was nearly done.
He gave another long look around, checking for danger. They were in the open, out on the grassy heath beneath a darkly clouded sky.
She walked beside him, quietly holding his hand, and he wanted to commit the picture to his mind forever. Her fine shirt was stained and torn, loosely tucked into those sinful leather breeches, her close-fitting riding jacket was ruined beyond any redemption, and her high boots were muddy and cracked. Her cloak was long gone at the bottom of the Derrow.
She had braided her heavy black hair, but tendrils flew around her face where they had slipped free. It was cold, the wind constant, and her cheeks were flushed, her nose pink and her eyes shining.
They were going to reach the sea within the hour, and she had been excited since they’d woken up. This was how she should be, free and happy. Glowing with joy.
He was going to take that from her. He was going to deliver her to a lifetime of responsibility and constraint. Rules and laws and people constantly demanding her time and attention. And however bad he felt about it, he was going to do it. Because it was the right thing to do.
Would she ever forgive him? For making love to her like she was the only woman in existence and then walking away while she faced the commitments she hadn’t wanted all alone?
