‘How do you know thirteen-year-old me didn’t own this aftershave?’
‘You might have been an outlier but every thirteen-year-old boy I knew at that age was all about Lynx Africa and Lambrini. I took a gamble.’
‘Are you suggesting I’m average?’ I carry on holding his eye but flick one of my eyebrows up in answer. He’s so cheeky. He’s also far from average. He’s absolutely gorgeous; and in nothing but trunks. My self-control, and self-respect, is stopping me from full-on perving, but I know what I’ll be dreaming about as my head hits the pillow tonight. And if Kevin ever sees this man’s eyelashes, he will hunt him down and steal them whilst he sleeps. No compunction. He would very definitely be hissing all sorts of asides into my ear if he was seeing what I am right now.
I deliberately leave a long pause after the eyebrow raise and then say, ‘Yeah, I’d say a strong ... five. You know, average.’
The man laughs. A real deep laugh that echoes around the wooden room. It’s contagious and I’m now laughing too, less at my joke and more at the genuine sunshine of this man’s response.
‘You know you need to tell me why you smell like this now, don’t you?’
‘Hmmm.’
‘Oh stop flirting with it, you know you’re going to tell me,’ I whip back.
‘Yeah, I’m tempted. I think you’ll find it funny but it’s a wildly inappropriate story to tell someone I’ve never met before whilst we’re both in nothing but swimwear. Also it doesn’t portray me in a very good light. Strips away this sophisticated vibe I’m clearly throwing out right now and reveals me as ludicrously clumsy, which, honestly, normally I’m not.’
‘I’m intrigued. There is no way you can’t tell me now.’
‘Ah –’ he scrunches up his face ‘– I’ll tell you but only on the condition we can never meet again.’
‘Deal.’
‘Okay, I can’t believe this. Right. Okay, so I’m having a shower, and um... taking care of things... no, God, no, I mean...um, grooming. I was grooming.’
‘Yeah, already way too much information for a stranger,’ I shoot back, deadpan.
‘I know.’ His voice is steely. ‘I warned you.’
‘Yeah, you need to continue to the end. You can’t stop now, you have intrigued your audience.’
‘It kinda gets worse.’
‘Okay. Well, I’m sure I’ve heard worse.’
‘Yeah, I bet you haven’t.’
I cast my mind back to the clients I’ve seen this week; yup, I definitely have. ‘Come on. You’re grooming in the shower, very modern man, and then...’
‘Well, then I nick myself and promptly trip over the shower door whilst grabbing some paper to try and staunch the bleeding.’
‘Ouch.’
‘Oh no, just wait. As I trip I don’t just fall down flat on my face, straight out of the shower, oh no. Somehow I manage to contort myself and am all twisty, like a tornado but in human form, and as I’m twisting, bang, I knock some plants over and land straight on ... don’t laugh...one of my sister’s many cacti. I know, you couldn’t write it, people just wouldn’t believe you. But my sister feng-shui’d my house recently, at about the same time as she was decluttering hers, funnily enough, and before I knew it I had an entire cacti collection in my bathroom! Apparently, houseplants are very good for you and cacti in the bathroom will bring me great wealth. ‘
‘Really?’
‘Right! So she says, but she’s just tricked me into having her sodding houseplants, hasn’t she? I’m currently looking after her cat as well. The woman has skills. Anyway, I’m getting side-tracked... so I’m all twisty, I’ve landed on a cactus and as you can imagine, I’m now screaming. What started off as a regular nick has resulted with me on the floor with cactus spikes in my you-know-wheres.’
I’m laughing so much at the thought of this man rolling around on his bathroom floor trying to pull out cacti spikes that I’m gripping on to the wooden seating. Any hope of projecting cool composure has disappeared, this is too funny.
‘But still, you ask,’ he continues, ‘why the smell? Because when you’re rolling around the floor with spikes sticking out of your crotch you tend to flail; flail, wail and pull said spikes out and as I did that I knocked over my bottle of aftershave, a stoppered bottle, because you know, obviously I’m as suave as they come, and it went everywhere. Ev-e-ry-where.’
‘Oh stop’ Tears are pouring down my cheeks. ‘I’m sorry, I know we don’t know each other, and I shouldn’t laugh at your pain, but nicks, spikes and then drenching all that in aftershave. It’s too much! I can see why you needed to reach for the whisky.’
‘You say we don’t know each other but are you sure? There’s something very familiar about your voice. Have we definitely not met before?’ The man pauses his story and I gulp. He doesn’t look like a listener but then who knows what a listener looks like? And he certainly isn’t nor has ever been a client. And I would definitely remember this man if he had been one of my Saturday night dates,definitely.
‘Yep, absolutely. I have a great memory for faces. You’re a complete stranger, I’m afraid.’
