She just looks at me.
I can’t decode it but it isn’t friendly. There seems to be a whole mish-mash of things there.
‘Sorry about him.’ Great, now we’re being approached by the buzzed-up best man. ‘He just loves love. Don’t we all love love? Isn’t love the best?’ He beams at us and sweeps his hands at the Bridal Party.
‘Jesus Christ. Really, Universe?’ Lily shouts into the air.
‘Oh sorry, you’re having a moment. Sorry, guys – hey, everyone, give these guys some space.’ He backs away, hands raised in the air.
Lily’s jaw is clenched tight, a vein pulsing at her temple.
‘Lily...’ I lean across and rest my hand on her arm and she flinches. Flinches! I already know at this point I have no chance of us running off laughing into the sunset but I didn’t expect to be repulsive to her. ‘Go on, what were you saying?’ I say, even more concerned as she folds herself down, her hands clasped in an arc around her knees, which are pulled up tight to her chin.
‘I was trying to say sorry about ignoring your messages.’ She makes direct eye contact as she says this, and I sense it’s deliberate, to reinforce how strongly she feels despite her discomfort at having to do so. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have slept with you and I was trying to work out how we move past that when you turned up and saw me, well... I wasn’t okay with that. I felt invad— Look, it wasn’t okay. I do want to carry on working with you on the project but I don’t know how easy that’s going to be, especially if you’re going to be lovelorn and clingy.’ As she says the last sentence she moves her eyes back to the floor, where my heart, and pride, currently lie, both in smithereens.
Ouch!
I swallow hard and feel myself biting my lip.
‘Okay, I want that too. We can be adults, we can make it work through timetabling if you don’t want to have to see me.’ I pause. I have managed to keep my tone even but she doesn’t rebut my suggestion. She just stays silent, her mouth pursed up.
‘Look, I gave my word to Jinx I was going to be involved in Drag Factor. I’ve enjoyed being part of it, but obviously if it makes you uncomfortable...’ I feel completely humiliated but am trying to keep things functional.
‘Kevin wants you there, and you’ve got the choir involved now.’
My mouth drops open. She is saying it as if I am being deliberately manipulative, trying to force my way in. ‘I did that to help.’
‘You’re everywhere. You’ve been in my life a couple of months and you’re everywhere...’ She doesn’t sound angry, she sounds trapped, resigned. That I’m all over her life, suffocating her.
Is this what she thinks? How she feels?
Part of me is becoming angry at the injustice. Not wanting to be with me, that’s fine, that’s personal choice, but I havenevertried to crowd her. I have tried to give her space. I am only here now because according to the bloody Love Doctor the healthiest relationships are the ones where there is honesty as well as respect. I’m trying to be honest, at no point have I been mean or lashed out, because Idorespect her. Clearly that respect isn’t returned.
And the thing is Lily knows me, she knows my story. And this cuts deep. I pride myself on not being needy, on protecting myself, protecting those I love. My mind throws up a picture of Cass’s face at ‘Open Days’ when prospective parents would walk right by us or talk for a minute or two and then awkwardly make excuses to move on when my sister made it clear she wasn’t going anywhere without me. I see the set of my shoulders, the jut of my chin, adolescent me trying to be adult, soak up all the hurt.
I broke a vow to Cass for this woman.
‘Look, I wasn’t trying to rush you down the aisle. I’ve taken on board the things that Cass and the girls said, I’m committed to my promise to live in the moment. But you and me, I would’ve gambled on that, I thought we had a chance; I was never lining you up for some mythical future where I take over your life. I’m sad that you think I’m trying to do that, that I would do that. I’ll sort out the timetables for the youth centre so you can do your mentoring sessions when I’m either not on or elsewhere.’
She unfurls herself and yet again I cannot read what is going on with her, what her eyes, her face are actually saying to me. But honestly, right now I’m not sure I care. I have felt so many things for this woman but now my heart is aching for her, not in a romantic way – trust – but because I suspect her vulnerabilities are dictating her choices. From the periphery of my emotion, I recognise that the harpist has switched to Beyonce’s ‘All The Single Ladies’ and I could curse her. Is she literally soundtracking our conversation?
I start to stand up. I don’t know what else is left to say. Lily hasn’t replied to my last comment but as she too stands she turns to me and places her hand on my arm. She gulps, and I see a tear pricking in the corner of her eye but I do not know why. I’m not sure I have the energy to work it out. I am suddenly exhausted. Exhuasted and I just need to get out of here. Get home.
‘Jay... I...’ Lily has started to speak and I take a deep breath and brace myself for one last insult, one last attack when from nowhere a bouquet of flowers comes flying through the air and bounces off Lily’s shoulders.
‘Oh no, you are joking me. Seriously?’ She spits the words and grabs the bouquet, spinning on her heel to face the bridal party, who are giggling and muttering apologies when, with the force of a Olympic shot-putter, Lily hurls the bouquet back, the force of it lifting her back foot from the ground. It seems as if all her frustration, all her emotion is condensed in that throw and I watch, the world now in slow motion, as the bouquet hits the bride square in the eye. I hear Lily’s sharp intake of breath and see the bride bend double, fall to her knees and let out a shriek that causes everyone on The Downs to swivel their heads.
Her new husband is panicking, and I run over to see if I can help. It’s quickly clear that no real damage has been done, no cuts, no bleeding and nothing broken, the shock of the impact being the biggest side-effect. The bride’s husband and I help her to her feet as she steadies herself, laughing that she now has an awesome wedding story, and prepares to throw her bouquet again.
I turn to leave them to it and cast around for Lily. I can’t see her anywhere and then spot her, tiny on the horizon, running, running away from me as fast as she can.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Jay
I’m at work, and relieved to be so, with my day off yesterday going so badly I’m not sure I want to have one again. I had gone straight home and scrubbed all the paint off my face and then headed out to the gym, not sure that I could be by myself and process all the things that had gone so terribly wrong on The Downs.
I can make my peace with the fact that Lily doesn’t want to be with me. Her ignoring me before we met that afternoon was pretty indicative of the fact that she wouldn’t fall into my arms, but some of the things she said were hurtful, and I can’t believe this woman who I thought was quite literally my soulmate has judged me so harshly.
