I move my other foot forward.
My mouth opens and I bite my bottom lip. Jay lets out a ragged breath and then moves his foot so the point of his shoe is now touching mine.
He moves his other foot forward.
I reach up to touch his face but his hand shoots outs and grabs mine with such force that the very strength of him makes me even wetter.
‘We can’t,’ he says.
We very definitely can.
‘I want to,’ he adds, his fingers still around my wrist, his touch, that action, making my blood pump through me ferociously. I nod slowly and raise my free hand to trace a finger down his chest. He shakes his head at me and I take my hand away from him in apology, flexing it as a gesture to suggest he may want to grab this one too.
He smiles and shakes his head again but he does reach down and take it, holding my hand in his, his fingers weaving through, one side of him showing tenderness, the other side of him resolute.
‘If you want to, and I want to – and I really do – then...’
‘Oh, I want to,’ he whispers, ‘ but tonight, I don’t know... It feels...’ These words are falling from his lips yet his hand in mine is tracing patterns on my palm, stroking, pressing. His body is saying something very different and I know what he is asking. He is scared that this is a response to earlier, that I am doing this as a result of opening up to him, that this desire has arisen from gratitude or relief.
‘I have wanted you from the first time we met,’ I say very clearly. And as he looks at me I hope he knows this is the truth of it. The way I am looking at him, the way my body is arching to him all back this up. I lift the hand he is holding and place a gentle kiss on the inside of his wrist. He groans lightly and I hear myself emitting a similar noise.
This man turns me upside down, inside out. I have told him things I have never told anyone else. The ledge tonight was the most intimate moment of my life. I haven’t suddenly wanted him because of that; I have been dreaming of him, thinking about his hands on me, mine on him, for so long now. I have always wanted him to touch me, stroke me, fill the whole of me. I have visualised the way I buck against him as he moves in me and all tonight has done has made me realise this is the next natural step. The things that were holding me back before are insignificant, they don’t matter anymore, this is bigger than all of that.
I need him, my body craves him, I just need to know if his reasons hold. I need his consent. I continue, ‘I have spent days and nights dreaming of this. This is not just a tonight thing, I promise. You have no idea how much I wan—’
His lips are on mine, he has released my hands and has curled one behind me, fitting into the small of my back as his tongue explores my mouth, his other hand in my hair, cupping me and bringing me into him. I am leaning back over the table, my bottom resting against it as he presses into me and I pull him in as far as I can.
I can feel how hard he is through his trousers and my heart is hammering as I reach down and pull at his top, thrusting it over his head. We have to break our kiss to do so and he stares at me with such intensity, such need that I don’t think I can wait much longer. I reach behind me for the zipper on this dress. But he bats my arms away and reaches out and pulls me up from the table and turns me slowly.
I let him guide me around and suck in my breath as I feel him undo the zipper, his hands deliberately slow as he does so. I want to turn back around and capture his mouth again, welcome him into me, but I also want to see where he takes this next, what he is doing. As the zipper reaches its end, he moves the dress off one shoulder and then the other and it puddles to the floor, rather as my stomach feels right now. He traces a line down my spine and starts to kiss the top of my shoulders, working his way across and down. His lips are like feathers on my skin and I am both impatient for more and lost in the dizzying pleasure of this sensation. He lowers himself and reaches my coccyx with his mouth and then with both hands on my hips switches me around again so we are facing each other and from his kneeling position he looks up at me. I clamp one hand on the table to steady myself while his hands lift my bottom onto it so I am perching, and then with the most ridiculous look of mischief, and intent, he lowers his head and kisses me in between my legs.
My breath is coming hard and fast now. He is utterly in control and I seem to be losing it. He is using his tongue in deep circular motions, teasing me, not quite hitting the sweet spot but letting me know it is coming.
My back arches and I start to moan as his circles get closer and closer to the central point. It doesn’t take much longer and I am lost, my body exploding, my mind all dizzy and I don’t know if I have the strength in my legs to stand but I do know I need him inside me, I need more.
I pull him up and latch my mouth onto his, and catching sight of Jinx’s terrifying polystyrene heads, I push myself off the table and, my mouth glued to his, my hands exploring his body much as he has been mine, I push him back. Entwined and animalistic, I manage to get him out of this room and push the door to my bedroom open. Never have I felt more like this is how things are supposed to be.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Jay
‘Oh my God, we’ve done it!’ Cass shouts with triumph as, after quite a lot of ‘to me, to you... this angle... let’s try this...’, we manage to get the biggest wardrobe known to man around the corner of the stairs. There is a possibility that my back may break or at the very least my knees will snap and I will spend the rest of my life crawling from one place to another. But despite this nothing is going to diminish my smile today.
When I woke up this morning, I woke tangled up in Lily’s sheet, her leg splayed across my body, my face buried in her shoulder. We had slept late but to be fair we had stayed up late, exploring each other, revelling in each other, cramming in as much loving as was possible in one night. This was like nothing I have ever experienced. It was instinctive, primal, it felt right, as if I had been waiting for this night my entire life without ever realising it.
As I lay there upon waking, watching her sleep, she opened one eye, and then the other and jumped so high she practically lifted off the bed.
Shit!
I had woken up happy and contented and ready to see where we go from here. I had forgotten all about Lily’s fear of intimacy, of mornings after. In the moment, I had forgotten all Lily told me, and she has frequently, about how she only does one-night stands, how she avoids anything that could lead to commitment.
Last night we were in tandem, we were together as if we were made to be that way. It hadn’t occurred to me that her reaction would be different to mine come morning, that she didn’t automatically believe we may have a future, that we nowneedto be an us.
After her initial shock, she had rolled over, given me a long languorous kiss and told me she was late for work. Very late. Then, as if she had remembered it was Sunday, apologised and said she meant brunch, she had a brunch with some of the women from the university. I did the gentlemanly thing, returned the kiss and left, damping down my desire to jump in the shower with her as she hurriedly prepared herself to leave.
She clearly needs space and whilst I know what I want, Lily needs time to work out where we go from here. She needs to take the lead and I understand her desire to be in control, to make the decisions herself, especially after what I heard last night. I understand now why Dr Lily Galbraith presents herself as having such a polished suit of armour. I also understand how lucky I was to have removed the armour, if only for a little while.
But man, it was hard leaving without declaring my heart, exiting merely with a cheerful grin and a discreet acknowledgement that we won’t let this affect the work we have to do together.
