‘I do. And thank you for listening too. That’s not a story I ever tell and I don’t know why I overshared with you. I’m sorry.’
He leans up onto his knees and plants a gentle kiss on my head.
‘Lily, you are one of the bravest, strongest women I know, and I know lots. You don’t need to thank me. You certainly don’t need to apologise to me, or anyone. You have no idea how glad I am that I sent that email and asked you to get involved.’
I shiver a little, because of the care in his kiss, I think, and because being this honest with someone is refreshing, liberating. As I do so one of the candles starts to flicker and then dims, and another does the same.
‘I reckon they’re telling us it’s time to get you home. It’s getting cold,’ he says and I nod and agree and whilst I’m not sure what I am feeling, I’m fairly sure it’s not the cold.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lily
Whilst I fumble for the key in my bag, I know I do not want Jay to go yet. The awkwardness I was terrified would appear after opening up to him has not materialised as we giggle our way home. I put the key in the door but before I unlock it, I turn. I don’t think I can wait a minute longer to see what his plans are.
‘Do you want to come in?’ I ask and then quickly add, ‘Not for sex, genuinely just for a drink, a coffee, you know. But definitely not for sex.’
‘Well, I’m glad you made that clear.’ He laughs, startling a cat that is perching on a fence and which then skitters down scritch-scratching all the way to the pavement.
‘I thought it best,’ I say, smirking, and turning back to the keyhole. He hasn’t answered but now the question has been asked I can relax. I push the door open and take a step inside, turning again as I do so and motioning that he is welcome in.
‘Come and have a tour.’
‘A tour, a coffeeanda promise that my chastity is to be respected. Who could ask for more?’ he answers and I lead him through the narrow hallway into the kitchen, aware of his breath on the back of my neck, of his presence, the whole width of him, standing behind me.
We enter the kitchen and I feel the air between us as we separate a little and I wave my hand around. I suddenly feel nervous and start to gabble.
‘So, this is the kitchen. We knocked it all through and now have this one massive room. There’s a piano for Kevin over there, although he claims he can’t actually play but Dan practises a lot.’
‘It’s huge.’
‘Yeah, we’re really lucky.’
‘So do the three of you rent together?’
‘No, it’s just me and Kevin, but Dan is here all the time. I’m hoping there is a little romance brewing but don’t dare ask in case I jinx, ooh no pun intended, it.’
‘So The Love Doctor is always looking out for love for others, even when she’s off the clock.’
‘Love makes the world go around. Oh, but not for me,’ I add hurriedly in case he thinks I’m hitting on him again.
He doesn’t say a word, just looks at me inquisitively, in a way that reminds me of that wise old owl that always features in the storybooks of children. I wonder if I look at my clients like that. I hope not. It’s a little disconcerting, as if he can read my mind and predict my thoughts and behaviour. I wonder if he’s drawing conclusions between being bullied at school and my need for control, my antipathy to a relationship for myself. Kevin certainly bangs on about it and he doesn’t know the details of it, whereas Jay very definitely does now.
‘What would you like to drink? Did you want a coffee?’
‘I should probably aim for some sleep tonight,’ he says so I open the fridge and offer him a cold beer. He smiles and I open it and pass it to him.
‘So, your podcast, do you record it here?’ He gesticulates at the big table in front of us. ‘I can picture you here with one of those old-fashioned fluffy mikes as you share your wisdom.’ I arch my eyebrow. He knows me well enough now, surely, to know wisdom is something I may aspire to but very definitely don’t have yet. Maybe when I’m eighty.
‘No, not here. Although I’d love one of those mikes. Mind you, what’s the betting that Kevin would find some way to feature it on a dress or turn it into some kind of fascinator?’
‘High, I’d say.’
‘Uh-huh. Although it is thanks to him that I have the most perfect place. I learned early on that a small space is best for the sound quality, preferably with soft things like curtains and coats that absorb sound and stop too much echoing. Here, come see.’ And I lead him into the hallway and up the stairs to Kevin’s wardrobe room.
I am not unaware of the tension between us as I place my first foot on the step. Heading up the stairs with someone who makes me feel all the flutters the way this man does usually has a different purpose and it’s one I am struggling to shift from my mind. I wonder if Jay is thinking the same. I had thought it hard controlling my thoughts towards him outside on the ledge but here, in the intimacy of the house, it is even tougher.
And then, as if he can read minds, Jay pauses and says, ‘Is this just a ploy to get me upstairs, Madam?’
