‘Isn’t that the age-old question? The one no one usually knows the answer to? But in my case, I think I do. I love being in love but I think I put the women I date on a pedestal so high no one can realistically meet it. There’s a whole long story there as to why I do that, I’m sure. Fundamentally, I ask for too much and then when I see a crack, when I realise they can’t live up to this list of perfect qualities I have in my head, I run for the hills terrified that I’ve made the wrong choice and I need to get back out there and make a better one. So yes, in summary I guess it’s the list thing Cass harks on about.’
‘You never stick around and work it out?’
‘No, no, I don’t. I’m a romantic, but I’m also a bit of a cynic and those two are a hard combination to manage. I want kids, and when I see a flaw in the woman I’m dating I’m immediately thinking how that will translate in the way in which she might parent.’
‘Okay, I remember you saying that at Mama K’s. That’s pretty self-aware. I also remember you told me about you and Cassie being through the care system. That could have had a massive impact on why you want a family and for it to be just right.’
‘Yeah. Mum ran off soon after she had Cass, and Dad brought us up. But then he got ill and we nursed him as best we could but he didn’t make it. We were put into the system and bounced around from one group home to another, one foster placement to another, and it was all pretty grim. I felt responsible for keeping Cass safe. She was only five years old. Eventually we ended up with Malcolm and Sue, who have been in our lives ever since, and they’re amazing. I want to recreate what they gave us I guess.’
‘It makes perfect sense, and at the risk of tinpot psychoanalysing here...’
‘Hardly tin-pot, is that not exactly what you’re qualified to do?’
‘Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean I can immediately see into people’s souls and see why they do the things they do or make the choices they make, but it does mean I can make an educated guess.’
‘What does your educated guess say about me?’
‘Two things jump out, but I imagine you’re already very aware of them.’ I had wanted to say this at Mama K’s but knew at that time he needed someone to listen not analyse.
‘Go on.’ He touches my arm, encouraging me to speak.
‘I imagine that after losing your dad and going through the care system then the desire to belong is strong but at the same time there’s an understandable fear that if you put roots down with the wrong person, you’re afraid of history repeating. And once that initial dopamine hit wears off and you start to see flaws then it’s only natural that you get scared and want to keep looking for that perfect mate.’
‘Do you know what, I hadn’t thought of it like that. I know the care thing has impacted me and you’re right, on a deep level it makes me want to belong, but the history repeating thing, that explains the fear I have. It makes me feel considerably less stupid if I track it back to that, it really does. It’s not having a list that’s the issue, it’swhyI have it, and you’re saying the answer to that is my past.’ He looks at me as if I have presented him with the Holy Grail and the daft thing is it is simple psychology 101: track it back to the trauma that has occurred in childhood and spot how the patterns play out.
‘Right,’ I agree with him. ‘Often, once we are aware of why we are tempted to do the same thing over and over then we can take real steps to stop ourselves. We can train our brain to think rather than react.’
He is still shaking his head and looking at me with an awe that is a little discomforting. ‘I don’t know why I haven’t seen it before. Cassie is the polar opposite of me; she was way too young to remember Mum like I do, or to feel the weight of disappointment when social services tracked her down after Dad’s death and Mum couldn’t or wouldn’t have us. So Cassie wants to belong, will stay for ever, and she sure as hell will do anything to try and get that early flush dopamine high back. So because our memories and understanding of what happened then are different, we act differently. I’m scared to choose the right partner but feel that need to create a strong family unit whereas she doesn’t have that fear but is still compelled by the need to belong.’
‘Sounds about right to me.’
‘Wow, well, in ten minutes you have properly therapised me. Is that a word?’
‘I’m not sure.’ I giggle.
‘It should be. So, so far, you have answered my question on your podcast, you’ve come and volunteered your time for the girls and now you have given me wisdom that I have been seeking for as long as I can remember. What can I possibly do to pay you back?’
‘No payment necessary. Promise.’
‘I know...’ he says and he winks at me. I know it’s old-school but I do love a man who winks. There’s something cheeky about it, mischievous and confident. Then he raises his arms high above his head and moves his body so he is standing, his whole torso is stretching out and he is practically on tiptoes. He bends his fingers over to make claws and at the same time makes large flapping motions with his arms.
‘Caaaaawwwwww,’ he shouts and then repeats it, far louder than I had earlier. ‘Caaaaawwwwww!’
As the couple turn around again, I start to laugh, proper deep belly laughs, and I stand up on the bench and join him, both of us cawwing away to our hearts content. I realise that I have unusual combinations of emotions flitting around me; I am warm, I am finding this whole thing hilarious and I am happy. Proper happy and not because I look how I imagine I should, not because I am getting admiring looks from strangers – quite the opposite – but because I am being silly, I am being me and in this moment I don’t care what anyone else thinks of us.
Chapter Nineteen
Lily
‘Stop fucking around and just drink it!’
I enter the kitchen to see Dan waving a frothy-looking glass full of murky green liquid at Kevin. He really is here all the time now.
‘You’re a demon, a demon. When I asked you to help, I didn’t mean you should poison me with this crap.’ He looks up as I enter. ‘Oh, come and save me, Lily. Be the voice of reason. He has gone old-school and is trying to make me vomit my way to being slim.’
‘You asked us to help you retrain your mind and stomach,’ I say.
‘Right? Right!’ Dan says. ‘You’re a nightmare. This is so good for you, bundles of nutrients that will make your hair and skin glow and will fill you up at the same time. You are not going to be sick!’ He spins his attention to me. ‘You look nice, very sexy mama. Who are you seeing tonight? Have you finally got your date with that guy?’
