And why are my friends determined to try and make me revisit something that breaks my heart – that forces me to face up again to the fact that I can probably never have children – is beyond me and I don’t know how to get them to stop.
Chapter Seventeen
Jay
Iam excited tonight, although by rights I should not be this buzzed up, since I’ve done a full day’s work, played football with the boys and am meant to be having an early night because Henri has booked studio time tomorrow and has asked me to join him. Instead I’m sat waiting to meet Lily at Chrysalis in Old Market.
I’ve never been here before but when I emailed to say that I have had our plans signed off she said we should celebrate and invited me out to join her and her friends at this place. She adds that she’s crazy backed up at work so if I want to discuss the additions that she had emailed back over, she’ll be here this evening and I should join her.
That makes it work rather than a date, right?
Bringing the plans with me definitely makes it project-related so I’m not blurring any boundaries or breaking my promise to Cass.
Just to make sure, I’ve picked out a pair of boxer shorts I have never worn and – before tonight – had no intention of doing so. Cass bought them for me as a joke present last Christmas and they are beyond grim. Plain black with a large photo of her face on them; there are no words to describe how wrong they feel. She thought it was hilarious at the time whereas I grinned feebly, appreciated the mischief of her, and vowed internally there would never be a day on which I wore them.
Seems I was wrong; they are perfect for this evening. Wearing them demonstrates intent. Firm intent not to remove my trousers. And let’s face it, a date is an agreement to meet someone socially with the hope of removing your trousers should all go well. This will make that impossible. Impossible.
I’m loving it in here though, even if I was a bit fearful of having an accident that resulted in paramedics having to undress me on the way over. I know Cassie would love it too and wonder if she’s ever been. Chrysalis is a kind of pub-cum-theatre in a beautiful old chapel and has a long bar running all along the side filled with every fancy bottle known to man. At the end of the room is a wooden stage complete with plush red curtains and a battered piano to the side. But it is not just the architecture of the place that makes it special. It is positively fizzing in here.
There is a hotch-potch of people, all of whom have got past the intimidating attitude of the tiny elderly woman who looks as if she should be an Aunt in Gilead but instead is fiercely guarding the entrance and welcoming those people she knows with kisses, arm-throwing and effusive love-love whereas those she doesn’t – that’s me – are greeted with hooded eyes and the feeling that if I don’t behave she is going to have the two burly men she sits with grabbing my legs and arms and hurling me onto the pavement. The two of them are older than the majority of the crowd and have shaved heads, huge boots and lots of blue ageing tattoos, and look like they would fit right in at a BNP rally.
I have every intention of behaving.
I’m taking a sip of my drink and hear that diminutive she-wolf shout, ‘Darlings!’ in a low-pitched shriek, and as I turn to check out who is getting such a rapturous reception I see Lily and her two friends walk in. This must be High Jinx and Dan.
High Jinx looks amazing; she has the prettiest face and her make-up is flawless. She’s beautiful. Dan is bouncing up and down and squeezing the woman. I hear him greet her as SyPhyllis and choke on my drink. I must have misheard.
Lily looks over and catches my eye and heads over. I feel my heart quicken in anticipation. She is stunning, in a deep red dress that looks as if she has been poured in to it, her hair flowing gold. As she bends down to kiss my cheek in a hello I catch a waft of her scent, her shampoo. It smells light and summery and I want to breathe it in but stop myself because that would be weird and this is Lily. As in Dr Lily Galbraith, dating expert and Love Doctor extraordinaire, whom I am here to meet because we have some work plans to develop. And because if Cass ever hears, or telepathically senses, that I want to inhale a woman’s scent, especially this woman’s scent, she’s going to be sitting there composing an email to Sue’s choir before the evening is out.
However, it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the contact and as Lily draws back I find myself holding her eyes and a silly smile crosses my face.
I’m shit at poker too.
She sits down in one seamless movement. There’s something about Lily when she’s dressed up. All self-possessed and golden-age-of-Hollywood. Sliding, graceful movements, silky, well-cut clothes and shiny hair.
When Malcom and Sue first fostered us, I pulled the odd sickie from school. But instead of using it to smoke weed, shoplift and outrun police community officers like the majority of my mates, I used to lie on the sofa and watch old musicals with Sue as she sewed. Sue’s machine would be going nineteen to the dozen, the volume of the TV on high as she’d sing along, and I would lie there revelling in the domesticity, the normalcy of it, how boring it was.
I’d had my fill of street corners, gaggles of adolescents and drama whilst Cass and I were in the group homes. The novelty and the quiet of Malcolm and Sue’s home were new, special to me at that point of my life, something hoped for by both of us for a long time. So, I know my way around a Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn movie. And everything about Lily reminds me of those women. A twenty-first-century version, polished, graceful and deliberate but utterly kickass and in charge of her own destiny.
I have seen the way this woman ploughs through water, I have no doubt she could take me out merely by looking at me. She is certainly not a woman who needs a hero to rescue her; that is one of the differences between her and those movies. She’d be more likely to rescue me. Let’s face it, for all my gym time, football, healthy eating and fitness, I’ve been totally bested by a kitten recently.
‘Hello.’ Her friends come and join us. The man that I assume is Dan – who reminds me a little of a human jack-in-a-box – pulls a chair out next to me as High Jinx stands over me looking me up and down. It’s a little unnerving. High Jinx is quite intense. And very tall. I cast a quick glance down. Her heels look like they would break a weaker woman.
I like meeting new people and have been excited about meeting Lily’s friends. Over the last couple of weeks, in the lido and again at Mama K’s, she has talked about them with so much love I half feel as if I know them already.
‘Everyone having the usual?’ Dan asks, seamlessly including me in their group and they nod. ‘Can I get you another?’ he asks, bouncing back to his feet after having spent less than a minute sitting down. Just as I’m about to reassure him that I’m fine, High Jinx who is dressed in a bright turquoise evening gown with so many feathers on she resembles a tropical bird, draws a deep breath and cocking her head to one side, looks straight at me and says, presumably to Lily—
‘Another notch, darling? On family night.’
Did I hear her right? I scrunch up my face and wait to see how Lilly responds. I subjected her to Marcus earlier so I should see how this plays out. But another notch, seriously? I have to assume she is talking about me.
‘Sit down and behave, you’re not funny. I’m so sorry, Jay, Jinxy here can be a twat. I didn’t mention that when I was describing her to you earlier, I didn’t think I’d have to. But she’s demonstrated it herself and in remarkably quick time.’
Jinxy opens her mouth in a perfect O and bats her eyelashes in a surprised manner. They are so long they look a bit like they could jump off her face and scuttle across the floor at any minute.
‘No worries,’ I say. How else do I respond? Calling me a notch to my face is a pretty weird thing to do. I know what it says about High Jinx, but what does it say about Lily? Hang on, what does it say about me?
‘Well, kinda worries. Jinx, this is Jay. Jay is here to talk to me about doing some work with the local youth groups. We’re planning on running a programme together about appropriate behaviour and making good choices –’ I stifle a smile as she says this ‘– and I suggested he come along tonight to update me. I didn’t expect him to be insulted before you’d even said hello. I should have but I didn’t.’
