Because I keep thinking of Belle and remembering the good bits with Jessica, and how I couldn’t believe how lucky I was she picked me and how anything to do with Belle feels like a betrayal. Made worse by the fact that they knew each other, and it’s fair to say Jess was not a fan, that she dismissed Belle as an overindulgent hedonist.
I want to try and explain all this to Jamal but don’t know how to say it, or even if I should. My eyes alight on the fox, which bizarrely the robin has hopped over to, as if it thinks they can be friends.
‘Don’t know, mate,’ I say instead.
Jamal gives me a look but stays silent. Belle would have just said it.
I take a deep breath and tell Jamal the truth of where my head is at. We’ve been friends since Pokémon came into being.
‘Woah, look, I never got to know Jessica very well but you loved her, no one could ever doubt that. You wouldn’t have loved her so much without good reason. But if you want to be true to her, you need to remember her as she was, the truth of the relationship the two of you had, otherwise you’ll be putting her on a pedestal that no human can live up to and then how are you supposed to move on from that? Remember her as she was, flaws and all. You’ll be doing her a disservice if you remember her any other way. And if you want to talk to Jessica just talk to her, man, it doesn’t matter where you are. If you’re uncomfortable talking out loud in public, put your headphones in and pretend you’re on the phone, tell her all the things you want to say.’
‘That’s pretty good advice.’
‘There’s a power to words. Thinking through things is great obviously but sometimes the act of saying things out loud, somehow that makes it more real in our minds. Try it. And as to Belle, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about her.’
‘Yup. I was a bit surprised when you didn’t get behind her project.’
‘I like the project, I really like the project but, you know, you didn’t tell me she was Nick Wilde’s daughter. That threw me. She don’t need my money.’ Jamal’s brow furrowed and he shook his head to reinforce his point. ‘I’m not giving her 75k.’
‘I can see what you’re saying, but just between you and me her father is an arse-ache, and he is never going to give her a penny – they don’t help her out with anything – and what’s more, she wants to do it on her own.’
‘She didn’t tell me that… I’m not surprised you’re keen, she’s got some spirit.’
‘Woah, I’m not. We’re no—’
‘But you like her.’
‘Yeah, I like her. But that’s not fair on Jessica, you know.’
‘No, I don’t know. Jessica is gone, the only people you aren’t being fair to right now are you and Belle. You shouldn’t be playing with her if you don’t mean it.’
‘I’m not playing with her.’
‘How many days have you spent with her since you landed, hmmm? Anyway, taking your personal feelings out of it, I wanna talk about mine. And mine are that my nephew, you’ve met him, Mark, he hasn’t got no time for books, he’s all about the football and that. Fair enough, I can see where my man is coming from. But he’s only eight and turns out your Belle rocked up to his school soon after I knocked her back, likesoon, and Mark loved it. Something she did really connected with him. He made his mum go and get him some of the plays in graphic novel form and he’s eating them up. I don’t know what she did but she did good. So, I want to talk to her again, not about money for app funding, but maybe about how me and her can team up, get her into schools doing this regularly, use my name, work together, get things done.’
‘That sounds very much like a plan she’d like. To be honest she’s all about the schools, the app thing she thought would be her starting point, and I pushed it, trying to monetise the sheer volume of work she has done.’
‘Well, that work serves her well and I can help her get more established, if she’s interested. Her knowledge and my rep should be a bold combination. And I’ll make sure she knows it’s not because of who she is, who she knows, but because she’s worked hard and all that knowledge that’s her own. So, can I have her number?’
‘Oh, yes!’ A huge smile spreads across my face. Belle recognised for who she is, what she knows and does, is exactly the lift she deserves.
Hey, hope you’re doing okay? You’ll never guess who I’ve just heard from. Jamal. Jamal wants to work with me. How amazing is that?
‘Amazing and well-deserved,’I type out and then delete. I need to put space between us. Even if I am staying in the UK, Belle needs a man in her life without my issues. She’s had enough of those to last a lifetime. She doesn’t need me and my over-emotional head dragging her down, not when she is about to fly. I need to break these bonds now. She hadn’t seen me as I was in the run-up to Jess’s death, eaten up with jealousy and doubt. I need to make her see me for the arse I am – jealous, controlling, the Leontes-in-training rather than the man I suspect she sees now. I need to cut the cords, make sure she frees herself up for a future she deserves.
Her passions are made of nothing but the finest part of pure love.
December Twenty-eighth.
Belle.
Hey, I don’t want to be a freaky stalker but are you okay?
Isend another message to Rory. I spent most of yesterday evening watching my phone, waiting for him to answer. More than a few times, I watched those dots move, indicating he was typing a response but nothing came through.
It makes it harder somehow, knowing he’s on the other end of the phone and that whatever he has to say to me is so bad he can’t bring himself to send it. I’ve been spoilt by his company this month and know he’ll be going back to Australia soon and it will hit hard when he does, but this I’m not prepared for.
I don’t know whether I should worry about him or be hurt that he appears to be ghosting me. I resolve to give it one more day before I get really panicky. All sorts of things can come up. Christmas is a difficult time of year for many people and it’s quite possible that he’s run off his feet professionally. I hope his absence doesn’t mean something has come up with Alison. There are lots of reasons for him not answering and all of which mean it will not be helpful for me to be pestering him. Plus, it’s probably better for my crush if I don’t spend as much time with him.
