‘For goodness sake, all Easter Eggs were supposed to be collected by lunchtime and hidden by half past one. What on earth were you doing?’
‘Working in the classroom, Marion, and then covering lunch duty.’ Pippa felt her eyes roll as she answered back. This woman made her feel like she was thirteen again: deeply resentful and full of sass.
‘I suppose it can’t be helped.’ Marion looked like she distinctly thought it could have and should have been, before pulling her walkie talkie to her mouth again. ‘Code red, code red. Miss Parkin has forgotten to hand in her eggs, more eggs to come. I repeat more eggs. Could I please have someone from each playground to come and get the extras. Right, are all the teachers informed of and aware of the times we need the classes outside by?’ The woman didn’t stop for breath. Maybe she didn’t need to. In fact, if she was not actually human and breathing normally wasn’t a thing she had to do, quite a lot of things would make sense. Pippa found herself looking at her to see if she could spot signs of the paranormal, but even with all the squinting in the world, she couldn’t spot a pair of horns or ghostly aura. She just looked like Marion Marksharp in full steam mode.
‘Yes, Marion, Class One and Class Three will be in their playgrounds by thirteen forty-five and Classes Two and Four will come out at fourteen-thirty. That gives us time to hide the second tranche of eggs,’ Jenny, Marion’s deputy and possible twin, responded in the same military tone.
‘Right, excellent. Here comes Sarah with your head, Miss Parkin. Now if you could kindly keep it on, that would be much appreciated.’
‘I’ll do my best.’
‘Well, dear, it shouldn’t be that hard. I’m sure you’re more than capable. But if you feel it requires it, I shall be more than happy to staple you in.’ Marion narrowed her eyes, tilted her head and fake-smiled before racing across the playground as something, or someone, caught her eye.
Pippa wondered if it would result in immediate dismissal if she rammed the PTA’s walkie-talkie where the sun didn’t shine.
‘Hello, how you doing? Do I see steam coming out of those bunny ears?’ Sylvie, the specialist PE teaching assistant slid next to her, and Pippa could see Sylvie grinning at her through her little bunny eye holes.
‘I might have to kill her.’
‘You’d be fairly easy to pick out from a line up – the suspect fled the scene wearing head to toe grey fur and a pair of whiskers.’
‘Ha-ha, very funny. I don’t know how you bear her.’ Sylvie had joined the staff team last year during the September term and, like their headmistress, Rosy Winter, she was one of the few members of the school community who didn’t seem to think Marion was the devil incarnate. Pippa respected Rosy endlessly and was very fond of Sylvie but for the life of her could not see why they were so forgiving of this tyrannical monster with her tautly stretched skin, bird prints and power heels.
‘She’s not that bad once you scratch the surface.’
‘Hmm, scratching her I could get behind, but I dread to think what I’d find under my nails if I tried. It would probably generate some weird kind of organism that sprung to life after midnight, roaming the village with a walkie-talkie and an iPad, screeching at anyone she passes.’
‘I like her. Well, I loathed her, but then I got to know her. Turns out she means well, really she does. And her boys adore her. That has to be indicative of something.’
‘Stockholm syndrome?’
‘Mrs Marksharp.’ Sylvie called over to Pippa’s nemesis, currently hauling a PTA member out of the bushes and shrieking abuse at her.
‘Not in the bushes, for goodness sake! Has everyone here actually been lobotomised? I was quite clear. Miss Winter has requested we don’t send the children into the bushes this year, what is the mat… oh hello, Sylvie dear.’ Marion spun as she heard Sylvie calling.
Pippa felt herself sigh and roll her eyes again. Much more time spent around Marion and her eyes were going to spin right out of their sockets. She knew Sylvie, an ex-ballerina, was on Marion Marksharp’s ‘People I Value’ list, but so bright were the beams now heading in their direction she felt like flopping her ears over her eyes for protection.
‘Oh hello, darling, how are you? And the lovely Alex? And the children of course?’ Monster Marksharp stalked her way over to them, having dropped Ashleigh’s mum, Alison, on the playground floor, and grinning the most frightening grin since The Joker.
‘We’re all fine thanks, Marion. Alex has just got home from South Sudan, so we’re all enjoying having him back. Give him a few days and we’ll catch up. Richard and the boys?’
Pippa spotted a flash of something indecipherable cross Marion’s face.
‘Yes, yes. The boys and I are off to Bordeaux for the holiday. Chateau break, they’re very excited.’
Pippa was amazed ‘the boys’ got through passport control. She fully expected Rafe, the eldest, to top Interpol’s Most Wanted within the decade.
‘Sounds nice. Harmony has sent me out to see if you’re ready for us yet?’
Harmony Rivers was the Class Three teacher and known as Hippy-Dippy Harmony by the less kind members of the school community. She was on a personal crusade at the moment to raise everyone’s awareness of the plight of the school hamster and had her class designing escape plans to set him free. Apparently, it was to help teach critical thinking skills.
Harmony spent her holidays fighting injustice wherever she saw it, waving placards and singlehandedly trying to stop global corruption. Interestingly, whilst she seemed to have no problem facing down dictators, it was no secret throughout Penmenna that she was absolutely terrified of Marion. Sending Sylvie was a sensible call. Pippa wished it were an option for her.
‘I don’t know how that woman is a teacher. Can she not tell the time? It’s not even like she has to try and decode the Victorian school clocks on the wall. The world is digital these days and yet she still struggles.’
‘I don’t think she has a mobile phone, Marion.’
‘Of course she doesn’t. She probably relies on some method involving slugs and a cartwheel at home. She’s got five minutes. And you can tell her that Miss Winter has said there’s to be none of that stupid sharing of the eggs in her class later. Dividing the spoils is downright communist and there’s no place for that sort of nonsense inside this school.’ Marion grinned her biggest crocodile grin as she delivered this news and Pippa did a double take.
