I’d scoffed. “He’s married. He may look, but he’s not doing anything about what he sees.”
I’d been so stupid and trusting and naïve. Was it possible for Alex to shut down on me, to close off and block me out? My stomach began to quiver with an unspoken fear and the pain of past discoveries.
“I’m just saying you can’t trust words. It’s patterns of behavior that show who a person really is,” he said with a sigh. “Dr. Mitchell doesn’t have a good track record in that department.”
No, he didn’t. Not when he’d arrived, and not for his first six months here. But he was in counseling, and we’d talked through so much of his pain from losing his mom. He’d hung her paintings and was open with me about all of it. Dr. Rasmussen was just trying to get under my skin. He was a bitter man who didn’t like to lose, and I’d rejected him flat-out. “As far as I’m concerned, you don’t either,” I answered. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a patient to tend to.”
I left Dr. Rasmussen standing in the hall, shamed and put in his place.
Scanning my ID, I ducked into the supply closet and held my shaking hands to my chest. I’d tried to appear confident, but his words had triggered the PTSD centers of my brain. I’d made it through childhood without any major trauma, but Eric had put me through the equivalent of a nuclear relationship bomb—there were scars.
The problem was, up until a few months ago, I would have agreed with Dr. Rasmussen about people not changing.Even if he was a jerk, his words hit home. I’d been played the fool before, and I wasn’t about to let that happen again. Maybe I should be more careful with Alex and not jump in headfirst like I had been doing. He seemed to be changing, but then again, I’d thought that about Eric too.
* * *
That night when Alex called to see if I wanted to come over and watch a movie, I was still feeling insecure and wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. Part of me knew this was silly and I shouldn’t let Dr. Rasmussen get in my head, but the part of me in charge of self-preservation was on high alert. I recalled my earlier decision to take a step back and slow things down, so I made an excuse.
“I think I’m going to stay home tonight, babe.” I cringed when I called himbabe. It felt like I was going through the motions but not meaning them. Then again, I wasn’t sure what was going on with me, and I didn’t want to alarm him. I’d gone into fight-flight-or-freeze mode. Apparently, I was trying to freeze us right where we were. I just needed some time to reassure myself that the new Alex was the real Alex. Then I’d let myself care for him as much as I wanted to.
“Are you okay?” Alex asked, concerned. “You don’t sound like you feel well.”
“I’m all right,” I replied. “I’m just tired and need to get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Becca was walking to the kitchen, but when she heard my statement, she made a U-turn and put her hand on my head, checking for a fever. I swatted her away and scowled.
“No problem. I’ll miss you. Be safe, and I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“You bet.” I smiled woodenly, grateful he couldn’t see the plastic look on my face even though Becca did. She sat on the couch and pinned me with a stare.
I hung up and set the phone on the side table.
Becca smacked my leg. “What’s going on?”
I lifted a shoulder. “I’m tired.”
“Whatever.” She shoved my feet off the couch. “Yesterday you would have called an Uber to drive you over there, dead on your feet, to fall asleep on his couch. What’s changed? Did he do something? Do I need to break his legs?” she asked, half joking, half serious.
“No, Alex didn’t do anything.” I grabbed a throw pillow and put it over my head as I screamed into it in frustration. “Why does dating have to be so confusing?”
Becca pulled the pillow out of my hands. “Is he being confusing, or are you being confusing?”
“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly. There was a real possibility it was all in my head. But I’d thought that a lot with Eric too, so where did that leave me?
“What happened?”
I rubbed my forehead. I knew exactly what had triggered all this; I just didn’t know what to do about it. “Dr. Rasmussen said some things that has my Eric PTSD flaring up.”
“Are your concerns based on facts or on anxiety?” Becca tried to help me think through the problem.I knew she was working to engage a different, more rational part of my brain, and I was thankful for the help, because I was all over the place.
“I’m all sorts of worried that this is too good to be true, and maybe I’m missing things … signs … like I did before.”
Becca slid over and put her arm around me. “Well, friend, if you need to go slower and take a step back, then do it. I definitely wouldn’t do anything you are uncomfortable with. If Alex is legit, he’ll understand.”
Becca was right. This wasn’t Alex’s fault, but I needed to make sure everything was on the up-and-up before I let myself fall completely in love with him. In my experience, love was an open door for pain, and I didn’t want to do that to myself or Alex.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Alex
