“Why did you become a doctor?”
I blinked, trying to wrap my brain around the twist in the conversation. Knowing I wouldn’t have to relive the humiliation of a fellow doctor making fun of my weaknesses lowered my defenses. He’d probably get back around to that, but for now, I could answer honestly.
I stopped and sat down in the chair across from him. No one asked me that question. I was naturally good at medicine and I had the brain for science, and because of that, my decision wasn’t under scrutiny. I’d thought about it, though. I’d thought long and hard before going that direction. “Because I have control of the situation. I want to act and not be acted upon.”
“Why do you feel out of control?” Dylan gently prodded.
This was old news, but it was a place I hadn’t visited in a long time. Something about Dylan’s openness and lack of judgment allowed me to go to that tender spot in my life, one I tried hard to forget but never could. How does someone forget their mother?
Tears began to quietly slide down my cheeks as I remembered Mom’s dark hair and the way it would brush my nose when she leaned down to kiss my forehead. She smelled like flowers—all year long. “When I was younger, my mom died of cancer. My dad really wasn’t in the picture, and I was sent to live with my grandmother.With Mom’s death, I lost control of my world. I didn’t have a say where I lived or what school I went to or anything. I couldn’t help save her, and I just had to accept everything that happened to me.”
I cleared my throat and wiped the tears away.“To be honest, when I was younger, I was sometimes mad at my mom for dying. Logically, I know it wasn’t her fault; she didn’t have a choice either.But where was our miracle?” I’d never vocalized any of this to anyone, and all I could do was stare at my hands.
“Have you ever tried to learn about your mom? Find out what she was like as a person?”
She was forever frozen in my memory as perfect. I didn’t want to disrupt that image. “No. I have a box of her things in my house that my grandma gave me, and I’ve never been able to bring myself to open it.”
“All right, well, maybe that is something we could work towards. Not that you have to do it tomorrow, but we need to heal your heart, Alex.”
A lump the size of my fist lodged in my throat, and I couldn’t talk around it.
My heart.
I wasn’t the robot people saw, but I had put my heart in a tin box to protect it. The only two people who’d ever gotten through were Dylan and Emma. They had X-ray vision and could see right into my soul, and it warmed me to think that they both liked what they saw there—not only liked but cared about too. Yes, Dylan was my counselor, but he was authentic. Nothing about him said clinical or test tube; he was a real person with me and put up with all my prickly sides.
Emma. Emma was kindness and softness. I didn’t feel pokey around her at all, not since the Riverwalk. In truth, she made me feel more alive—more me. Like it was okay to unpack the parts of myself that I’d shoved deep inside when Mom died.
“All right. I’d like to … heal.” I stood up, suddenly wanting to see Emma more than sit here and stare at Dylan’s receding hairline. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “Sorry to barge in on you today. But thank you for your help.”
I shook Dylan’s hand and walked out of the office with measured steps and a lightness I hadn’t had going in.
Healing sounded like freedom. In some ways, I was strapped in that moment when Mom died, unable to progress past it. That was no way to live. If Dylan could help me move forward with life, I wanted to go for it. Because, for the first time, I had someone I wanted to move forward with.
My phone vibrated in my pocket.
I pulled it out and saw the name across the top.Emma.My heart, that darn organ that had taken such a beating all those years ago, pounded against my ribs. I wanted her. I wanted there to be an us.
The idea was scary. What if something happened to her? What if something happened to me? There were no guarantees, and every inch of ground she gained inside my chest was another inch that was vulnerable to damage.
Was the heartbreak worth the risk?
I tapped the green button. “Hello?”
Chapter Seventeen
Emma
After I left the clinic, I drove around the city for a few minutes, looking for Alex’s car, but it was pointless to try to find him among the 2.7 million people living in Chicago.
Instead, I headed home, where I could pace off my nervous energy. I wanted to call Alex to see if he was okay, but also to reassure him that Dr. Rasmussen’s view of him wasn’t my view of him. On the contrary, I saw a man who cared about the people he treated. He might have walls up, but they were protective walls. At some point, he’d been hurt and hurt bad.
The reason I knew all this was because I had those same walls. And it was those barriers that kept me from dialing him right away. I hadn’t opened myself up to anyone since my divorce, and some part of my brain sent out warning signals that doing so would be dangerous. I’d been the type to fall hard and fast and give love my all. I hated that Eric took that away from me, that he made it difficult for me to trust someone with my heart.
But I also couldn’t deny what I felt for Alex. It wasn’t a fleeting crush or a fast-lane romance. We had something together that was deeper, honest. And he wasn’t Eric. That was crystal clear in so many ways. Alex brightened when I walked into a room. It was the most wonderful thing to watch him, before he knew I was there, and see the moment he noticed me. He’d turn my direction and his eyes would warm to this swirling wonderful blue-and-gray storm of attraction and interest.
I couldn’t remember if Eric ever did that. Nor could I understand why I’d settled for a man who put me on the same level as a television show he could play at his leisure.
I took a deep breath and pressed the keys to make the call, my hands shaking. It was highly possible that Alex blamed me for what had happened today. If I hadn’t pushed him to volunteer and get outside of his comfort zone, he wouldn’t have been exposed to Dr. Rasmussen’s ten-year-old behavior. The whole experience was surreal. The man was a doctor, for heaven’s sake—he should know better. But like Eric, he must not have grown up.
