A couple of years after her father’s death, Eileen had phoned one day out of the blue. She was going through the stuff in the attic, and was there anything that Holly wanted her to keep? Twenty years old and living away in her college dorm at the time, Holly had thoughtlessly replied that no, there was nothing.
Now she leaned against the counter, the search for the pizza menu suddenly forgotten. Right then there was nothing more she wanted than that odd set of stupid blue willow plates.
Why hadn’t she asked her mother to keep them? Or, more to the point, why hadn’t she taken them? Was that why she was keeping all this random stuff in the drawers? Was she afraid to forget?
Danny had turned ten a couple of weeks ago and Holly remembered the look on his face when he tore into the gift she got him, a Nintendo DS system. The apartment was too small for a Wii, and their TV was tiny. And getting him a Wii system would have been like asking the downstairs neighbours to complain even more about the noise. It was difficult enough as it was, trying to keep the energy level of a ten year old at bay in a one-bedroom apartment with wooden floors.
Danny’s father, Nick, couldn’t even show up for his birthday, so Hollyhadto keep the ten-shaped candles, and the string from the bakery cake box, and a little piece of shiny star wrapping paper, otherwise who would remind her?
‘Mom, did you find the menu?’ Danny called out from the living room.
Shaking her head, she dug back into the drawers. There, folded under a bunch of Danny’s homemade cards to her was the pizza menu. ‘Yup, got it!’
She ordered a pizza and the three of them sat in the tiny kitchen nook when it arrived. As they ate and chatted about the day, Holly wondered if it would always be like this, such a small circle of friends but no real family for Danny. The thought saddened her a little.
After Kate left, Holly and Danny did their usual evening ritual of reading next to each other in the living room on Holly’s bed. He was curled up next to her, with a Harry Potter book, while she was trying to concentrate on a Margaret Atwood novel that Carole said she ‘just HAD to read’, but instead she was absently scanning the pages.
‘Mom?’ Danny shifted next to her, looking up from his own book.
‘Hmm?’ She ruffled his hair.
‘I want to change my name.’
‘What?’ Holly put the book down and held her breath. She had not been expecting this.
‘Yeah, I want to change my last name from Mestas to O’Neill.’
Holly felt her heart freeze and a rush of dread flooded through her. This is exactly what she was always worried about. With her dad gone and his own father usually missing in action, Danny had never had any consistent male role model and it was beginning to show. While Nick had always supported them well financially, his parenting skills were decidedly more ‘miss’ than ‘hit’. That was, whenever he actually remembered that hewasa parent.
‘Mom?’ He looked at her anxiously.
‘Hey, go make me a cup of tea since I know you can do that now, and we’ll talk about it.’ She pushed him playfully off the bed and he hurried to the kitchen, perhaps pleased to be treated as an adult, to be in charge of his own fate or, indeed, name.
Holly clasped her hands together and thought about what to say. Way back when Danny was born Nick had sworn he would be involved, that he would care for them and be ‘the best Dad ever’. Of course, this was short-lived enthusiasm once the tough reality of caring for a child became apparent, and instead, Holly had wound up trying to be both a mother and a father.
Danny returned with two mugs of tea and handed one to her.
She took a sip, taking her time. ‘Mm, good!’ and he beamed. ‘Come here, sit by me.’ She patted the space next to her and he climbed up, careful not to spill his own cup.
‘So … ’ Holly held her cup between her hands, taking care not to cuddle him – she wanted this to be an adult conversation. ‘I appreciate that you want to change your name to mine, but I need to ask why?’
‘Because Dad is never here,’ Danny said angrily. ‘How is it fair that he gets to have me walking around with his name when he’s done nothing to deserve it?’ He started to get flushed and stopped abruptly.
Holly nodded. ‘That’s a good point.’ He was obviously still sore that his dad hadn’t shown up at his birthday. Double digits were important in the grammar school set. ‘But, he is your father, and nothing you can do will change that. You can try changing your name, your looks, – ’ Danny looked just like his dad – ‘whatever you like, but he is your father. He may not have given you much—’
Her son rolled his eyes. ‘You think?’
Holly smiled. ‘He may not have given you much besides his name or that Nintendo last Christmas,’ she added jokingly ‘but it is something. It’s a part of who you are, and you can’t dismiss it. And your dad is part of you, whether he is around all the time or not.’
Danny was looking sourly into his mug.
Holly touched his arm. ‘Look, I know he’s not the best dad in the world, but it’s up to you to take what he gives you and make it into something better. If you feel all he has given you is his name, then embrace it. Take the name and make it the best name in the world.’
He looked up at her, his eyes full of thought.
‘You and I, we have something special – we are together all the time, we know what it’s like to be a family, yes?’
He nodded appreciatively.
