Happy? His train of thought halted at the word. Sure, Daisy was generally content, but it still seemed to him that there was so much missing, so much he wasn’t giving her. Ethan ran a hand through his thick brown hair and felt his eyes fall gently shut as he thought about the three years he had spent alone and how many nights he had cuddled and sat with her until she could fall asleep, her last words always about missing her mummy. Those instances had lessened, but still there was nothing he wanted more than to be a family again.
It was best for Daisy. Not to mention that he really did love Vanessa. Yes, he had been cautious in the early days, but over the course of the last year, they had grown especially close, and he was certain she was the perfect addition to their family.
He’d met her at a book fair of all places. His good friend Brian, a former colleague at the university where Ethan lectured, was now a highly successful and well-respected novelist. Just over a year before, he had, after much coaxing and cajoling, convinced Ethan that leaving Daisy with her grandparents for three days while they made the trip to Frankfurt did not make him a neglectful parent.
“After all, mate, it’s basically a business trip,” Brian reassured. “We’re going to talk about my book this time, but we’ll be going for yours next. Maybe this’ll inspire you to get your arse in gear and start writing that great British novel,” he teased, referring to Ethan’s own latent ambitions. “Not as great as mine, mind, but I’m sure there’s room for us both on the Booker short list.”
Ethan couldn’t really argue with this (the reason for the trip—he had no illusions about getting anywhere near any list, Booker or otherwise), so in the end, he decided to go along.
And then on day two of the fair, he saw her: the poised and immaculately groomed blond who was heading their way.
Ethan had caught her eye a couple of times as he and Brian browsed through the stands and found him himself intrigued by her calm self-possession. When she first approached, Ethan suspected she might be one of Brian’s many literary “groupies” but gathered from the polite but familiar conversation that ensued that she and Brian’s paths had crossed before at publishing events. It turned out that she too worked in publishing and was senior editor of a literary imprint at a major London house. The next thing Ethan knew, the three of them were having lunch, and he discovered that Vanessa lived in the vicinity of Teddington, not far from his home in Richmond.
Not long after that, just the two of them were having dinner—first there in Frankfurt and then back in London. He enjoyed her company and lively conversation, they had a shared appreciation of literature and the arts, and he also admired the single-minded determination with which she ran her professional life, having worked her way to the top in a highly competitive field.
Still, her ambition didn’t end there. Vanessa wanted the most respected and accomplished literary authors for her list, and she laughingly informed Ethan that her original intentions in approaching them at the fair was to see about poaching Brian from his current publishing house.
She was so different from Jane, focused and driven as opposed to Jane’s relaxed approach to life, that Ethan surprised himself by first becoming intrigued by her before eventually falling for her completely. Sometimes she made his head spin with her broad and intricate knowledge of travel, food, and wine, as well as the seemingly effortless confidence she exuded in everything she did. This self-assurance was one of the first things that had captivated him, but there was also a somewhat enigmatic side to her that made him want to get closer.
Still, he had waited almost six months to introduce her to Daisy. Just because he was moving on, there was no reason to force his daughter to do the same, he reasoned.
When the big meeting did finally occur, Ethan arranged for Vanessa to meet the two of them after Daisy’s weekly Saturday dance class. He had done his best to ensure it was light and informal and to keep the focus on Daisy, but he wasn’t fooling his wise and perceptive daughter. As the three of them walked along the Thames, eating ice cream, Daisy kept giving her father the same look her mother always had. Ethan called it the “sideways-squinty-eyed” look, one that often appeared from his daughter during poorly disguised homework bribes and early-to-bed coaxing.
Over time, though, Daisy came around. She loved it when Vanessa read to her; storytelling was one of her favorite things. She especially loved Vanessa’s accent, a rich combination of a decade and a half spent in cultured London coupled with the lilt of her Irish roots. It was something that at the beginning had greatly appealed to Ethan too, although she liked to insist that fifteen years living in England had eradicated most of her native brogue.
He always wished that Vanessa would read more than just one bedtime story at a time, but he reminded himself that it was different for people who’d never had children of their own, and no doubt she would get a feel for that kind of thing with time.
He should know; he had never considered himself the doting-father type but had fallen completely in love with his baby daughter when she wrapped her tiny newborn hand around his index finger in the delivery room. And when afterward he’d cuddled her fragile little body close to his bare chest, skin to skin, Ethan had there and then given her his heart.
Given time, it would be the same, he thought; Vanessa and Daisy would share a moment that would cement them. It couldn’t be forced. It would probably happen once they all lived together, when they spent time together like a real family. Sadly, due to Vanessa’s inability to conceive (something she’d disclosed frankly to Ethan early in the relationship), there would be no additions to that family, but he was fine with that too.
As daylight gradually crept across the park, Ethan lifted his head, wondering how long he had actually been standing there daydreaming. The sun was peeking through the clouds, and despite the brief flurry of snow, a clear sky was visible in the distance. He reckoned that this was a good omen since it had been overcast and gray in the city since they arrived. Today was different for a reason; the powers that be must be smiling on him and his intentions…
“Merry Christmas, darling.”
At the sound of the voice nearby, Ethan jumped, and coffee splashed on his bare chest through the opening of his bathrobe.
“Oops.” Vanessa laughed, coming up alongside him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you…” Her voice trailed off as she rushed to the bathroom, and in a flash, she was back with a cool washcloth and a fresh robe.
“It’s my own fault. I was miles away,” he replied, smiling. “Anyway, it’s cold by now.”
“Why so jumpy? Still thinking about that accident yesterday? I’m sure the guy is fine.”
Holding the cloth to his chest, he stood there in his boxers, assuring her she had just caught him in a daydream. “Honestly, I didn’t expect anyone else to be up so early.” He handed her back the cloth and put on the fresh robe. “Join me in a fresh one?”
She smiled. “Love to.”
Ethan moved to the side table and poured a steaming cup of coffee for the woman he was about to propose to. Coffeepot in hand, he noticed he wasn’t nervous as such but not quite his usual calm, collected self.
Evidently so did Vanessa. Taking the cup from him, she put her other hand on his before he had the chance to let go. Ethan looked up to see a kind of knowing look in her eyes, as if she could guess exactly what he was thinking.
It shot right through him. Resisting a step backward, he knew he must have looked startled again, because she seemed to quell the slightest smile as she looked away.
She knows, he thought. Maybe she’d noticed that one of her rings had gone missing? A little while back, he had purloined one of Vanessa’s costume rings from her jewelry box so that he could establish the correct size.
“So as I was saying, Merry Christmas,” she repeated, reaching forward to kiss him. “It’s wonderful being here on Christmas morning with you and Daisy. It means a lot, especially when I know how important the city is to you two. Because of Jane, I mean.”
She was so perceptive and always so generous and understanding about Jane’s memory that Ethan felt himself fall in love with her all over again.
