‘Well?’ she pleaded, desperate for him to smile as she grabbed at it to see for herself.
‘I’m sorry …’ he whispered.
Colette blinked rapidly.It couldn’t be right.Her period was a month late. Not days, weeks. A whole month.
‘There has to be a mistake. A false negative, maybe,’ she said as she stood and dropped the test in the bin. She grabbed the box again, scrambling for the instructions, even though at this stage, she knew them off by heart.
‘Darling …’ he began, gently moving towards her.
‘No,’ she said firmly. ‘I have to be pregnant.’ She pulled out another box. She was going to do the test again. Ed stood by, helpless, as Colette took another wand out of its box.
‘Darling, there’s no point,’ he urged, but she wouldn’t listen.This couldn’t be right.
‘Of course there’s a point.’
But a few minutes later, her heart broke afresh as again she was defeated.Not Pregnant, read the display. The test fell from Colette’s hand and Ed dropped to his knees in front of where she sat on the edge of the bath.
‘I’m so sorry, my love.’
Her breath hitched as she fought against tears and lost. ‘Why?’ she cried. ‘Why is it never my turn?’
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. ‘It will be soon, I’m sure. Just not now.’
‘Why not now?’ Colette argued. ‘When? When am I going to get my wish? When do I get to be a mother? Like Noelle, or your sisters-in-law, and so many of our friends. What about me? What’s wrong with me?’
Now she was weeping openly. There was no hiding or containing the pain she felt. She’d got her hopes up and again they’d been dashed. They were always dashed.
She didn’t understand it. The doctors said there was nothing wrong with her. Nothing wrong with Ed, either. It just wouldn’t happen.
Why?
‘Come on,’ he urged as he tried to pull Colette to her feet, but she wouldn’t budge. Undeterred, he picked her up in his arms instead and carried her to their bed.
He laid her down on top of the sheets and then sat down beside her.
‘All I want is to be a mother,’ she cried. ‘I want to give you children. I know you want to be a father, too. I’m sorry that I can’t seem to do it. So sorry I’ve failed you.’
‘Stop that,’ he chided, as he wrapped her tightly in his arms. ‘Don’t say that. You have never failed me. Not once. You are everything I ever wanted. The only thing.It doesn’t matter about children. I’m sure we’ll have them eventually. Just don’t ever say that you failed me, Colette. You couldn’t, even if you tried.’
‘You don’t understand how I feel,’ she wept as she looked into his eyes. ‘Every day I feel incomplete. It feels as if something is missing. I want a child.’
She tried to extricate herself from her husband’s grasp, but Ed wouldn’t let her go. He held her tight as she cried out her pain and disappointment.
She cried until tears no longer came.
Finally she stilled, too tired to move. She stared unseeingly at the curtains. The light of the sun was beginning to show behind them. It was Wednesday. She had to get ready for work but she didn’t want to go in today.
Ed stroked her hair. ‘There you go,’ he whispered soothingly. ‘Better now.’
Colette was embarrassed. She’d never behaved like that before. She’d never allowed him to know how much pain she was in over her failure to conceive.
‘I’m sorry,’ she began, looking at him.
‘Don’t.’ Ed pulled her against his chest gently. ‘Don’t apologise for hurting. But maybe … maybe it’s a good idea to just let all this go for a while.’
His words gave her pause. ‘Let it go?’
‘You know what I mean. That maybe we both stop trying so hard, and more importantly you stop beating yourself up about this. It hurts you to see the negative result, but it hurts me even more to see how much pain it causes you.’ He turned her face towards him. ‘Do you have any idea what it does to me?’
