‘I know it seems that work is more important than the two of you – especially lately – but it isn’t. It really isn’t,’ she assured as she took his hand and began to play with his fingers. ‘You and Lily are my family, my only family, and I love you. I know you might not think that and sometimes I know I don’t act it, but I do. I love you so much.’
‘I do know,’ Gabriel replied, as a tender hand touched her cheeks. ‘And Lily does, too.’
Kim swallowed the boulder that had formed in her throat. ‘I need to tell you something else.Something I’ve been keeping to myself for a long time because I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. I didn’t want you to hate me.’
‘That could never happen. I love you. I’m always going to love you. No matter what. Even when I thought you and Antonio … it still didn’t stop me loving you.’
‘You might not feel that once I say what I have to say. I hope you do, but I’d understand if you didn’t,’ she replied as her eyes fell from his. This was the most difficult thing she’d ever had to do.
‘OK, now I’m really worried,’ Gabriel said, sitting back down again.
Kim looked at her hands. ‘When I got pregnant with Lily, I was terrified. I didn’t know how to be a mother. I still don’t. Every day I look at her and wonder why on earth anyone would see it fit to make her mine. I’m no kind of mother, Gabe. I couldn’t even breastfeed her when she was born. I couldn’t get her to stop crying when she had colic. I was utterly useless in her life and I still am. The only person she needs is you and she has you. There’s no room for me.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Yes, it is. I’m a terrible mother. Worse, I’m my own mother’s daughter.’ The words were bile on her tongue but they were the truth.
‘You are nothing like Gloria,’ Gabriel replied sharply. ‘That woman should never have had children. Though I’m obviously glad she did.’
She couldn’t smile at the attempt at levity. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have either.’
His face became still. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean I didn’t really want Lily, Gabe.The same way my mother didn’t want me,’ Kim said slowly, as if each word was a tooth being extracted. ‘Look at me. What good am I as her mother? She doesn’t even need me.’
She was crying now and she didn’t even know when it started. She felt so terrible inside but she couldn’t stop now. She had to say it all.
‘I never wanted to be a mother,’ she admitted. ‘But you wanted a child so much …’
Gabriel’s lashes fluttered as his gaze turned away from her.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘But it’s the truth. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I just wanted it to be you and me, and then suddenly there was another person in the mix and I didn’t know what to do about it. I wasn’t prepared. I tried to be happy, but all I felt was fear. I had no reference to what it was to be a good mother. I had nothing to measure myself by except the fake happy families I saw on television. Then after Lily was born I felt even worse. Nothing I did was right for her. Even now I can’t seem to get anything right. I’m a failure.’
‘You don’t think you get things right?’ Gabriel replied sharply. ‘But you have totryto get them right, Kim. And you haven’t done that.’
‘I know,’ she said sadly as she hung her head. He was angry. She knew he would be. She deserved his scorn.
‘No, you don’t, but you’re going to,’ he continued, smiling now. ‘Don’t you stand there and talk about yourself like that and expect me to just sit here and listen. I won’t let you tear yourself down and act like you’ve got a right to do so. Do you know who you sounded like just now? You sounded like your mother, and you aren’t your mother. Even though she’s out of your life, that woman’s poison still looms over you and I’m not about to let it continue.’ He looked at her.‘I probably should have said something before but … this saboteur and the online stuff … I wonder if it might be Gloria?’
Kim’s eyes widened at this idea, which, she had to be honest, had never even crossed her mind.
Could it be that her mother was behind all the recent problems with Villa Dolce Vita? Punishing her for rejecting the family by trying to up-end the grand launch? It was possible, but Kim couldn’t really see it.
Underhandedness wasn’t at all Gloria’s style, to say nothing of the fact that she and Kim’s dad had made good on their promise to cut her out of their lives all those years ago.
The Westons hadn’t attended Kim and Gabriel’s wedding; they didn’t even bother to reply to the invite. Which at the time had been hurtful, yet no real surprise to Kim.
Her parents had just got on with their lives, as if their daughter had never existed. So what would have changed in the meantime for her mother to want to mess things up for her, after all these years?
‘I don’t think it could be her,’ she told Gabe wearily. ‘But at this point, I really have no idea.’ What with Antonio’s secrecy, Emilia’s accusation, and the ongoing weirdness between her old friends, Kim wasn’t sure of anyone anymore.
It seemed the only constant in her life was Gabriel.
Now he stood up and held her face with both his hands, turning it up to his. ‘Well, anyone who does try to hurt you has got me to answer to. I love you, Kim. Our daughter loves you, too. You may not be there the way I’d have liked over the last couple of years, I’ll admit that, but I know you love us. I also knowyouand have been aware for a long time that you felt inadequate as a mom.I tried to help you, to take it slow and not rush you. But maybe I was wrong to do that. Maybe I should have forced you to face your fears from the start, but I didn’t think you were ready.’
‘What’re you saying?’ she asked, her voice barely a whisper.
‘I’m saying that it doesn’t matter what you think you are to us and what failings you think you have. I want you to know that I love you despite them and so does our daughter. You think she knows yet whether you’re at work or not or when you’re gone too long? She’s three years old. She doesn’t. As long as she sees you at all she’s happy. You’re her mother. There is no one like you in the world to her. Don’t you get that?’
