“He’s three.” A bright smile arches the corners of his mouth. “He’s something else.”
“Do you want children?” I ask, everything else forgotten.
His features tighten. “No.” The two letters thunder with unwavering resolve, ending the talk.
It’s clear the subject affects him.
He grabs my hand and brings me back to the sofa, pulling me on top of him.
I tilt my head. “What if I want some?”
“I’ll give you anything else, but no children,” he says, sounding resolute.
His words leave a bitter taste in my mouth, souring my mood. I’ve always imagined having children. Not becoming a mother casts a shadow over our intimacy, pressing a heavy weight on my chest. It’s strange, mourning something I could have had but won’t experience.
I close my eyes for a moment, trying to process my feelings. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want any.
I will have them. Not with him though.
A deep-seated sorrow guts me—sad about something that hasn’t occurred, nostalgic for something I won’t experience. With him, I undergo the full spectrum of feelings.
10
TRISTAN
Icaress her back, and she’s so still, surely rummaging through my not wanting children. It was something I hadn’t planned to disclose. Not for now, at least, but the discussion veered out of my control. Nothing new when it comes to her, but fuck if that doesn’t frustrate me to no end.
“Why?” she whispers.
My body pulls taut. A muscle might snap any second. “My blood is tainted.”
I have never been this open with anyone else, but she’s proficient at unraveling me, peeling one dark layer after another, baring my unsalvageable soul. While I try to protect her from that black hole, she’s drawn to it.
“A few moments ago, my fear was that you had someone else, an entire life separate from me. Now I am just sad—for you. For thinking you’re not good enough.”
“It has nothing to do with that,” I grit out.
Her eyes shine with warmth as she cups my face. “You can’t hide from me just like I can’t hide from you, Tristan. Get used to it. While I won’t force you to confide in me, we promised to be honest with each other. That’s all we have.”
She sounds like that’s all we’ll have—this honesty before we return to our lives where we do nothing else but pretend.
I change the topic before I slip in a heated moment.
“Were you jealous?” I ask, wanting to erase any trace of doubt.
Until she is secure, I will double my efforts in proving to her that she’s all I see, all I think about every second of every day.
A sigh heaves her chest, aware of my tactic. “Yes, but more than that, it pained me. It hurt so badly I couldn’t even breathe.”
Her jealousy shouldn’t make me feel good, but it does—sick asshole.
Her distress is something I am doing my best to postpone, wishing her to hold on to what I gave her during the time I could. It also proves she has feelings for me, and I could never regret that.
Placing my hand on hers, I lower it to my mouth, kissing her palm. “My life consists of work and more work,mo run. You have been the only good thing that’s ever happened to me.”
She tilts her face and gifts me one of those radiant smiles that causes my heart to pound in my chest like a beast loose in the wild after a lifetime of captivity.
She closes her eyes as if memorizing my words.
