“You don’t have to stay,” I expressed after a while.
The words felt strange past my lips since I didn’t fully mean them.
Kraven didn’t look at me right away until he finally did, stating, “I want to be there.”
I turned my head slightly, studying him. “Kraven, I still don’t know if I want to?—”
He cut me off. “Not here, Isla.”
My gaze shifted toward the Uber driver, understanding where he was coming from. This should’ve felt wrong, him being there with me.
It didn’t.
I turned back toward the window, pressing my lips together. Thinking about Julius being locked away while I was here with his brother. It made everything feel too loud, so I stayed quiet, and he did too.
Once we pulled into the parking lot, the building looked the same as it did the last time I was there. The doctor wanted to reconfirm everything since I had irregular periods.
Just for a second, I hesitated before getting out of the car. Just long enough for doubt to stir through me again.
Kraven’s door shut, bringing me back to the present. He rounded the car, opening the door for me as if he knew I wanted to run away. I didn’t know what I was afraid of. I already had confirmation of what was to come. It was different this time around, with Kraven there instead of his brother.
I felt more guilt than I did the last time I was there by myself.
Kraven studied me for a second before he reached out his hand for me to take, and I did. The waiting room was too bright and cold, and I wondered if they did that on purpose.
After I checked in, I sat down. Kraven didn’t sit right away. He stood beside me instead, scanning the room like he didn’t trust it. After a moment, he finally sat. He was close, close enough I could feel his warmth, but he wasn’t touching me.
He’d been doing that a lot, giving me space unless he was tending to the baby. Making sure I drank enough water, ate right, and stayed on top of my prenatal vitamins, too. He even set an alarm on his phone to remind me every day like I’d forget or I wouldn’t care to take them.
I think that was what truly frightened me, keeping me up at night. If I kept this baby…
Will I be a good mother? Did Kraven think I wouldn’t be? Was that why he was staying on top of making sure I did everything a good mother would?
I couldn’t finish one thought before another one fully formed in its place, and I was beyond exhausted from that alone. I swear every little insecurity I had about myself was alive and thriving all around me. Insecurities I didn’t even know I had, especially about having my own baby.
When I considered keeping this baby, I wouldn’t allow my mind to dwell in that space for too long. I had no idea how I could make this work. I had nothing going for me. I was still half expecting the cops to show up and arrest me too.
If I were to have this baby, I’d have to get a driver’s license and become an actual citizen of the world, and I was terrified it’d be an easier way to find me. Right now, I lived under the radar, and I preferred it that way. I guess you could say I never really had any big dreams for myself. All I ever wanted was to be kicked out of the system once I turned eighteen.
Now, there I was…
Pregnant.
What the hell did I do?
“You okay?” he questioned, probably sensing my internal freak-out.
I nodded even though my heart clenched. “Mm-hmm…” My hand drifted to my stomach, feeling his gaze drop there too.
Something hidden surfaced as he said, “Isla,” in a much harsher tone.
I looked at him, really looked at him. For a second, everything slowed down with the way he peered back at me.
It wasn’t neutral or detached, but it wasn’t careful either. It was something else entirely. Something that made my chest tighten and my stomach twist in a way that had nothing to do with nerves.
Everything after that blurred. Them calling out my name. The hallway. The exam room. The way the paper crinkled under me as I sat. Even when the doctor was talking to me.
Julius should be here with us.
