“No. I had a nightmare.”
Her voice broke into a sob on the third syllable. Shit—she turned away from him but not fast enough. He set the plate down to reach for her, and Jay surged forward, burying her face against the solid wall of his chest, and letting the crisp dark hair scrape against her cheek. The smell of him was so familiar. She’d never been able to eat or even look at a piece of grapefruit in the nine years she’d been away, but now, the sweet bitterness was like a tranquilizer in her blood.
“Daddy,” she said raggedly. “Hold me. Please.”
Above her head, she heard his sudden intake of breath. Then his arms folded his arms around her, squeezing so tightly that it nearly hurt.
He’s bad at hugging, was her distant thought, which made her sad, for him and for herself. With a small sound, she pressed harder against him, locking her hands over the small of his back, and pressing her mouth to the base of his throat, until his arms loosened reflexively and she felt his deep sigh as his palm smoothed down her spine.
“You’re safe now,” he murmured, and a small corner of her whispered,yes.
“Your bread is getting cold.”
“I don’t care.” He petted her hair. “I can always make more.”
Jay pressed her hand against his chest once, lingeringly, before reaching down to do up his shirt as she took a single step back. The emotion welling in her throat was so thick she couldn’t speak around it, and her fingers were trembling so badly that she almost couldn’t fasten his buttons.
(I want you to feel safe with me)
He kept one arm around her. She could sense his concern as his fingers continued lightly stroking her spine. “Are you all right?”
No. I’ve fallen in love with you.
“Blue jay?”
She had flinched, startled by the blistering salience of that thought. So this was how he would do it. This was how he would cage her. Not with violence, but by her own betrayal of herself.
“Jay, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Tears had filled her eyes, as if he had summoned them there, and she pulled away so he wouldn’t feel her shaking. “I’m so afraid,” she gasped. “I’m so afraid . . . that you’ll become your dad.”I’m so afraid that you’ll hurt me if I let myself love you.
He flinched. “What?”
“I dreamed I was my mom—” She swallowed hard. “M-marrying your dad. But he had your voice when he—” She broke off. “When he said—”
(Good girl)
Jay turned bleak eyes on Nicholas. “I couldn’t stop him.”
I can’t stop you.
He took her hands from his shirt, holding her at length, and the strength in his hands and the look in his eyes left her unsure as to whether she wanted to melt into him or run. “It’s not real.”
She stared up at him bleakly, letting her shoulders sink beneath the unrelenting weight of his gaze. Her mouth still burned where she had kissed him, and she could still feel the imprint of his heart against her cheek. “You don’t get it,” she said. “That’s okay.”
His frown deepened. “Jay—”
“No. It’s okay. Like you said, it isn’t real. It was a stupid thing to get upset about.”
“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” he said harshly. “I don’t think it’s stupid. I just don’t understand what it is you’re trying to tell me. I’mnotmy father, Jay.”
“I know.” She folded her arms. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“Fine.” Nicholas turned back to the counter and scraped butter over his now-cold toast, before propping a hip against the counter to eat it. Crumbs and sprinkles fell in a shower as he tore into it with a viciousness that went beyond hunger. He was angry.
Jay steeped herself a mug of tea and tried not to let her misery show on her face.
He didn’t say much to her after that. But that was no surprise. He insisted she was perfect like a man who wanted his device to be top of the line.
