“Jay! What’s he like? Is he hot? Tell me everything.”
“Well—” Jay stared at the wall, worrying her lip between her teeth. “He’s very attractive—and he knows it,” she added, her face softening unconsciously. “But he’s very contained. You wouldn’t know it at a glance, because he looks like a stereotypical jock, but there’s a lot going on beneath the surface. When you’re close enough to him, you can almost feel his mind working. Like it’s buzzing right against your skin—”
(You’re the sweetest girl I know)
Jay broke off.
Watching her closely, Lily asked, “Is he nice?”
“No—I mean, he tries. Sort of. But he’s bad at it.” Jay sighed ruefully. “He’s kind of an asshole.”
“Oh.” Lily frowned. “That’s not good.”
“It sounds worse than it is,” Jay said. “He’s not cruel to me.”Low bar, Jay.“He really tries to give me what he thinks I want. In some ways, he’s a product of his environment. His father was a wealthy man who used his privilege to hurt people or buy them off, and that left an impression.”
“So, a typical late-stage capitalist.”
Jay breathed out a reluctant laugh. “Something like that. I worry that I’m just an outlet for him, though. An easy source of affection he can come to and then leave. You know how it can be—some people treat their relationships like they’re a glass of wine at the end of the day.”
“Jay, if a man is drinking you down like a bottle of good red at the end of the night, I’d say you’re in a better position than most straight women.” She tilted her head. “I mean, as long as he’s not hurting you. He’s not hurting you, is he?”
“No,” Jay said, aghast. “No, of course not.”
Except for that one time.
“Then I don’t see a problem as long as you’re happy.” Lily shrugged her shoulders. “Let him give you the princess treatment. Nobody said you can’t use someone back for using you.”
Use Nick.
The conversation switched to lighter topics with longer pauses as they ate, but Jay kept thinking about Lily’s words. Even on the ride back, when she was siting with her legs crushed to one side so her feet wouldn’t touch the man who was aggressively splayed out in the seat across from her, she found herself thinking of how good it had felt to abandon her scruples and justtakefor once as soon as he laid his ungentle hands on her body.
When she closed her eyes, she could forget who he was and what he’d done. She could focus on those slow, deep kisses that made her feel like she was drowning, and the hard and desperate fucks that sometimes left her feeling too limp to even stand. She even liked the gifts, usually, though she was afraid that if she didn’t put her foot down over his rampant spending for those, the sheer amount of them would increase to terrifying extremes.
But was that love? She was pretty sure it wasn’t, just as how she was equally sure Lily’s “girl, you get some” enthusiasm would wane if she found out that the man drinking her down like a good red was her own stepbrother.
Jay hitched her purse more tightly against her body as she slid her ticket into the reader for the turn gate, watching it get sucked in and spat out.
That was the problem, though. In his single-minded pursuit of her, Nicholas never stopped to think about how other people would look at them when—if—their relationship came out. Hisprivilege had insulated him from the stark realities of his own desires.
She knew exactly how it would be. It was already there in how Meghana and Renata, Nick’s general counsel, looked at her. Ordidn’tlook at her. It was the disappointed look of finding out that someone was actually a much worse person than you thought they were.
Everyone would look at them like that if she married him. Marriages were a part of the public record—she had looked that up—and all of their colleagues and old friends would think they were out of their minds. Or, like Damon, they’d turn it into something salacious and assume that they’d spent their teen years ensconced in each other’s bedrooms.
Worse, they’d make her out to be some kind of predator. She couldn’t bear that—because itwasn’ttrue. She didn’t want to see suspicion and rumor tarnish Nick’s reputation and the way he ran his business, either. He’d become a laughingstock and so would she.
And he wouldhateher for it.
Jay touched the bird ring she wore at her throat and a chill zipped down her spine as she passed a parked Mercedes. She stopped and looked over her shoulder. The street outside of her apartment had the usual amount of foot traffic, and nothing seemed amiss, but the cold spot hadn’t left.
She had the strangest sensation that she was being watched.
???????
“I noticed your calendar was blocked off all morning. Were you in that meeting with the software development company?”
“Yeah.” Nicholas stabbed his fork into his chicken kebab,silently cursing the obnoxious tech CEO and the sensitivity training session that had preceded it. “He got weaselly about the interest rates and said he ‘wasn’t sure our reputation was compatible with his family-owned business.’”
“Was this about the misconduct allegations? I thought that rumor was put to rest.”
