Did she believe him that nothing had happened? Why was it niggling her if something had? She was supposed to be being cool and aloof and twenty-first-century dating with it. And the night had been wonderful. It had been fun and light and joyful and then deep and soulful and romantic. And she knew it was her who had fear. She was worried that if she continued with whatever this was, in whatever form it was taking, she was going to get hurt. Better to put it in one box as ‘no strings sex’ or another labelled ‘friends with no benefits’ and the issue was, as well as enjoying spending time with him she was starting to think about spendingmoretime with him. Throw in the total mind-blowing physical connection she felt when they were together and you had that deep trouble they’d spoken about.
He raked a hand through his thick black hair, eyebrows furrowed, that ridge in his forehead appearing as it did when he was frustrated. ‘It’s OK. I apologise.’
‘You don’t have anything to apologise for. I had an amazing evening. Thank you for sharing it with me.’
He nodded but he wouldn’t meet her eyes and right now she was overwhelmed with immediate regret. Because this wasn’t about spending the night with him again, this was about her insecurities over relationships after the way her marriage had ended. She felt vulnerable. She didn’t want to feel vulnerable.
‘Kalinixta, Faye.’
He had said goodnight and he was turning away…
‘Wait!’
He turned back, facing her, but still couldn’t seem to look at her.
‘I want to be honest,’ she said, suddenly shivering in the humid air.
‘OK?’
‘I want to be honest, but I’m scared.’
‘Of me?’
She shook her head. ‘No, of me.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Whatever this is between us… I don’t know. But what I do know is… I am everything to myself, Kosta,’ she began. ‘Yes, I have a daughter who is the most important person to me, but she has her own life to work out and enjoy. And yes, I have made my base here in Kerkyra, but really, my strength, my safe space, my home, it’s inside me.’ She sighed. ‘And anything, or anyone, that I let in, I worry that it could compromise everything I’ve had to work so hard to restore and build up again.’
‘You are crying,’ Kostas said, moving towards her. ‘Please, do not cry.’
She hadn’t realised, and she dashed the tears away with the back of her hand. ‘Maybe this is too much.’ Suddenly words Matthew had said during marriage counselling resonated.Sometimes you are too much.
‘No,’ Kostas said, catching her hand in his. ‘It is not too much.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘When something hurts us we try to stay away from everything and anything that is even close to like that same thing. It is a natural response of the body to not want pain again. And you are talking to someone who has had major surgeries for the same problem.’ He sighed. ‘But then, when it comes to the mind, it is even more difficult. Because no one can see the scars and, most of the time, we ourselves try to pretend they are not there.’
‘I don’t want to compromise my safety net,’ Faye told him, voice trembling.
‘Faye,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t want you to compromise anything for me.’
She nodded, holding his hand tight in hers.
‘But,’ he said softly, ‘the thing about safety nets is, you only need them if you fall.’
‘Exactly,’ she said.
‘Well, I do not think you built yourself back up to fall.’ He palmed her face again. ‘I think you built yourself back up to fly.’
His words pierced her heart in the sweetest way and when he gathered her up, putting his arms around her in such a solid, affirming, caring way, she didn’t just feel like she was flying; she felt like she might soar.
‘This thing between us,’ he said, voice close to her ear. ‘I do not know what it is either. But what I do know is… I have scars too and for a very long time I pretend they are not there. And then, when you spend time with someone and it is… different to anything you have had before… it makes you think more and feel more and laugh more and want to drive buggies and reconnect with your dead grandmother and… when a little girl gives you a basketball jersey and calls you a hero it makes you cry.’ He breathed long and deep against her and she held him there. ‘I don’t know if my flying days might be over. Some days I feel like I am plummeting.’
She drew him away from her then, holding his arms and looking deep into his eyes. ‘Then, maybe we can be each other’s parachute, until we figure out how we land.’
‘Endáksi,’ he said with a nod. ‘OK.’
41
THE POOL BAR, HOTEL MARGARITÁRI, AVLAKI
