‘There is nothing wrong with being nice, Gunnar Eriksson. You are the most gentle soul I know and you teach Magnús so much kindness and respect but…’
‘But? It is wrong to be kind and have respect?’
‘No,’ Hildur said stiffly. ‘But respect must be earned and it must be mutually attributable. There should be no hierarchy for it.’ She put her bony hand over his and clenched tight. ‘You and Magnús are just as entitled to respect as anyone else. I know you both walk around thinking that you do not deserve great things, trying to work out when the next disaster is going to come along and take whatever you have left from you, but you cannot live like that.’
He opened his mouth to deny what she was saying, plead his case, but found he had nothing sincere to offer. In many ways she was correct.
‘And, tell me,’ Hildur began again. ‘Are you still being too polite with the “except”? Chloe.’
He didn’t know how to respond. Hildur didn’t even know that he had seen Kirstin.
‘Gah!’ Hildur said, sounding exasperated with him. ‘Gunnar Eriksson! If you like someone, tell them. Speak how your heart makes you feel. Say the words out loud. Because what good are feelings except to drive you insane unless you share them with somebody.’
‘I know,’ he admitted. ‘I need to be honest and tell Chloe about Magnús.’
‘Yes,’ Hildur said. ‘Good. And if that sweet boy is a reason to make someone run away from you rather than towards you they were not right for you from the beginning.’
He nodded and gave Hildur’s hand a squeeze.
‘OK, so, go and help that boy with the coffee machine because he will not be able to work it out on his own,’ Hildur said. ‘And if I am still alive when you both come back then it will be a good end to the day.’
Hildur closed her eyes and let an elongated sigh leave her.
‘Hildur,’ Gunnar queried, concerned.
‘Go,’ she ordered. ‘I am resting, not expiring.’
With a smile on his lips, Gunnar got to his feet and went to the door.
48
SVARTA KAFFID, REYKJAVIK
The suggested cake treat had turned into soup. One sniff of the heavenly warming scent drifting from the small eatery and the thought of it served inside a whole rounded loaf of fresh bread, and Chloe’s mind was set. Now, tucked into a cosy corner of the upstairs restaurant, loaves filled with delicious meaty soup, Chloe was starting to feel a bit more together.
‘Well, I don’t know about you,’ Kat began. ‘But I feel better for the soup benefits than I did for the breathwork.’
Chloe smiled. ‘I don’t think we gave the breathwork a real chance. It came highly recommended.’
‘Be honest though,’ Kat said, sipping soup from her spoon. ‘Could you see Lincoln Sinclair lying on the floor of that dome panting in and out and thinking it was a vibe?’
‘No,’ Chloe agreed. ‘But I could see him in a Sinclairz chair like a throne, leading the breathing class and relishing his staff worshipping him like the entrepreneurial god he is.’
‘Wow,’ Kat said. ‘You really have thought about it.’
‘I think I’ve thought too much about it,’ Chloe admitted. ‘And now my overthinking is starting to clash with the brief Kirstin gave me. Maybe I’m trying too hard. And maybe that’s my life issue all round.’
‘Now you’re feeling guilty for trying too hard at your job?’ Kat asked.
‘At everything. Maybe even about trying to have a baby.’ She wiped her mouth with a serviette.
‘I’m not sure that’s your fault. I’m pretty certain trying hard is what you’re meant to do to make it happen.’
‘I know but… when I wasn’t working, it was my every waking thought and sleeping thought too and maybe that need pressurised everything.’ She sighed, her whole body tightening as she thought back. ‘And the longer Michael and I were living in that environment, baby-making being all we thought about, talked about, the greater the strain our relationship was under. And we stopped doing the fun stuff, you know.’
‘That’s quite normal as relationships progress though, isn’t it? I mean, one moment you’re having sex in the woods and the next you’re fighting over who gets to tip the last crumbs of the Pringles tube down your throat.’
‘But it shouldn’t be like that,’ Chloe said. ‘Or maybe if it does get like that you can laugh together about it and shake things up a bit.’ She sighed. ‘Michael and I just stopped doing anything but having mechanical baby-making sex and while the hope that this would produce the perfect end result was getting us through, when it turned into a never-going-to-happen and we realised we’d wasted all that time, it was devastation all around and only highlighted how we had put too much emphasis on a baby and forgotten about the two people that were supposed to love each other.’
