‘But, Jacques, you say that with no context and when I asked Dad about it he just palmed me another fifty.’
He knew it was true. He knew he hadn’t just shut Katie down when she had brought it up, he hadn’t said anything about the dark depths of his job to his family either. He had just made moves on their behalf to keep them safe. Distanced himself here in Saint-Chambéry. Minimised contact. Discouraged in-person visits – would still be doing that now if anyone made the suggestion instead of just turning up. But were any of them safernotknowing? Wasn’t forewarned being forearmed?
‘I cannot tell you what to do with your future, Tommy,’ Jacques began. ‘But I can try to warn you about what not to dowith it.’ He sighed. ‘Joining the police, it is a big commitment. Even from the very beginning it’s something you need to be so sure of.’
‘And you were sure of it for you?’
‘I thought I was,’ Jacques said. ‘But, looking back, I don’t think I was at all prepared for how it turned out.’
‘You went undercover, right? I guessed that much,’ Tommy said.
He nodded. ‘More than once. In different places. The last one was for eighteen months.’
‘Shit. So, when you said you were in Germany…’
‘Iwasin Germany.’
‘Yeah, but, I was imagining a littlewurst, maybe some beer festivals and casual sightseeing…’
‘I went to see Borussia Dortmund play,’ Jacques stated. ‘When I wasn’t trying not to kill people unlawfully and keep my cover.’
‘Man, your life is sounding like a movie right now. I see Keanu Reeves playing you in theatres.’
He sighed. ‘It wasn’t exciting. Most days it was terrifying. Until it became my normal and that’s when it is the most dangerous and the lines begin to blur.’
‘Was that what happened? Did you have to break cover before you… lost yourself?’
‘No,’ Jacques said bluntly. ‘I was never going to leave until the job was done. No matter how things ended for me.’
He hadn’t realised quite how blunt that sounded until the words were out of his mouth. But it was nothing short of the truth. He would have been prepared to sacrifice anything – even himself – to bring these men to justice.
‘You had a purpose,’ Tommy said quietly. ‘I don’t have that.’
‘Tommy… you’re still young.’
‘Yeah, but I should have some fucking idea what comes next, right?’
‘It doesn’t happen overnight. Not everyone finds what they want to do with their life the second they leave school or college.’
‘You did.’
‘But, Tommy, look at me now,’ he said, gesturing to their surroundings. ‘Hiding in a cabin in the smallest village in rural France, having lost my purpose, sitting in front of a symbolic wheelbarrow and a Christmas tree.’
Tommy shrugged. ‘Things could be worse.’
‘Yeah,’ Jacques admitted. ‘Things could be worse.’ He paused, looking at the scene in front of him. ‘Hunter could be about to knock down that small child if they keep waving their arms like that.’ He stood up and whistled hard. Immediately his dog stopped what it was doing and powered over towards them, dropping to sit at Jacques’s feet. Jacques retook his seat on the bench.
‘See,’ Tommy said. ‘You’re a natural problem solver. Me, well, I just run away. You know, can’t make a decision about my future, run away, Dad pisses me off, run away, Mom makes contact enough to piss me off, run away.’
He looked at his little brother then and got a glimpse of the vulnerable teenager beneath the outer shell of swagger he put on for the world.
‘You don’t run away from me,’ Jacques said. ‘You always run towards me, no matter what I try to do to prevent it.’
Tommy let out a breath. ‘Yeah, well, that’s because you’re the only one who listens to me and because I know you need me maybe even more than I need you.’
And now the astuteness was kicking in and he was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to… put an arm around Tommy’s shoulders. He didn’t think about it, he just did it, tightening his grip quickly and pulling him close.
‘What the fuck, Jacques,’ Tommy reacted. ‘Is this a move you learned in the force because I’m having trouble breathing right now.’
