She smiled. ‘Well, I guess it’s confession time.’ Her voice shookslightly. ‘I heard you asking God and Father Christmas to find your dad and that’s why we’re here. In New York.’ She let out a rush of breath. ‘And I haven’t told you because I wanted to try and find him first.’
She watched for Angel’s reaction but there was little except the wide eyes that were growing larger and the fact she was looking less child genius and more vulnerable nine-year-old as the seconds ticked past.
‘You’ve never asked me and I thought maybe you didn’t want to know or…’ Hayley started. She sunk her hands into the pockets of her coat.
‘I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,’ Angel responded.
‘Hurt my feelings? Why would you think that?’
‘Because if I told you I wanted to know about my dad, you might think you weren’t enough for me.’
She gulped back a knot of feeling. ‘Oh, Angel, if you wanted to know, you should have asked.’
‘I thought one day you would tell me. I didn’t want to upset you.’ Angel blinked her dark eyelashes. ‘And I used to hear Nanny shouting at you about him. She calls him “that man” and she keeps saying he ruined your life.’
Hayley clapped her hands to her mouth as her stomach fell to ground-floor level. Angel had heard those horrible rows, the arguments about the latest ‘dead-end’ job she’d got that hadn’t suited her mother. The constant reiteration about how she’d had to pay for that first year of college even though Hayley hadn’t been able to go. Her dreams being killed. The car crash of her life. Just how much had Angel heard and never told?
She had to compose herself. This wasn’t about her mother’s disapproval; this was about her daughter wanting to know where she came from.
‘His name is Michel,’ Hayley began. ‘And he’s an artist.’
A quizzical look appeared on Angel’s face, her brow furrowing. ‘Painting?’
‘Yes, and photography,’ Hayley replied.
‘Oils or watercolours?’
Hayley hesitated. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘And he lives here? In New York?’
‘He did.’
‘But not now?’
‘I don’t know. I hope he still does.’
Angel still looked puzzled. ‘Can’t you call him or email him or something? Say I want to meet him.’
This was where it was going to get difficult. But she wasn’t going to lie to Angel; there had been too much hidden for too long already.
‘Angel, I don’t have his contact details.’ She set her eyes on the city and said a mental prayer. ‘Ineverhad them.’
Angel didn’t respond straight away and Hayley zoned in on the dulled noise of the streets from their position in the sky. Normality to the residents of this state, rush, bustle, heading to work or off home, business, pleasure. None of them could be going through the same situation she was.
‘But he was your boyfriend,’ Angel stated finally.
‘Not really,’ Hayley admitted on a breath. She turned to face her daughter then. ‘We’ve done the whole how-babies-are-made thing, haven’t we?’
Angel pulled a face and nodded her head. ‘I’m not stupid.’
‘Well, we only did it once.’ She let another breath go. ‘And I never saw him again.’
She swallowed her guilt and shame and kept looking at Angel. Eventually, Angel looked up and met her eyes.
‘You mean he doesn’t…’ Angel paused and wet her lips. ‘He doesn’t know about me?’
Hayley shook her head. ‘Angel, I’m sure if he knew about you, he’d have been to see you.’
