Now they are researching both of us.
I hate it.
This is my fault, and there will be no apology I can give him that can wipe what I’ve done away.
Florian
Mateo is melancholic during dinner. I hate it. I try to make him smile, and each time I try, he tries to smile.
I am relieved when my family leaves and Gina leaves and I am once again alone with my incredible boyfriend.
I vow to remember as soon as I can.
I put the pillow divider up so that Mateo will not stress about accidentally injuring me further.
He comes out of the shower, clean, wearing his heart pajamas and smelling of chocolate.
“I love you so much,” I tell him.
His eyes widen. “I-I love you too.”
“Maybe when we wake up, I will remember.”
“M-maybe.”
He looks worried for some reason. Perhaps he doesn’t want me to put too much pressure on myself.
“Or perhaps I won’t,” I tell him.
“I want the best for you,” he tells me. “Every decision I make, that’s my criteria. I, um, don’t always make the best decisions. I try to though.”
“That’s all any of us can do,” I assure him.
He chews his bottom lip, and I wonder who has given him a hard time in the past for his decisions.
“Is this about massage therapy?” I ask him.
His eyebrows do that rising up thing again. They’re so adorable. How is everything about him so adorable?
“My parents are proud of you,” I assure him. “It felt like itgot a bit awkward when everyone was talking about graduate school.”
“I know I don’t have an impressive job. I dropped out of college.” He seems to be studying me extra hard.
“Mateo, I think it’s wonderful that you help people with your hands. What you do is very complex and physically demanding.” I tilt my head. “What I do is also physically demanding.”
“More physically demanding,” Mateo says. “Much more.”
I shrug. “Perhaps, but I have a lot of variety in the types of exercises I do.” I take his hands in mine. “These hands help people. That is wonderful. Annika looks at bacteria under a microscope. She is excellent at doing that?—”
“And medical research helps people.”
“Eventually,” I say. “That is the hope, certainly. But you can make people feel better at once. That is a gift.”
He smiles.
He still looks confused, which is sweet. But I have made him smile. I lead him into bed, and he slides under the covers. I tuck him in and kiss his cheek.
“I love you,” I tell him again.
