He had no spoken words to offer today. The whole house was notified days prior to give him his proper space to grieve in peace without interruptions.
“She hit me with…Royal, I’m busy tonight.” Roy cocked his head back in disbelief.
“After opening the door playing a nigga by calling me Mr. Fuckin’ Transaction, she played me to the fucking left! Even had candles and shit burning when I pulled up on some smooth player shit tryna feed her hoe ass.” Roy stopped pacing to run his hand down his waves in irritation.
“I pushed passed her and blew all them fuckin’ candles out! She had slow jams playing and a whole camera with bright lights set up. She got all dramatic, threatening to call the police on me. The scary nigga she had over ran off to the bathroom.” Royflicked his hand over his nose, sighed then flopped down on the sectional across from Luca.
He narrowed his eyes and noticed how spaced-out Luca was.
“You even listening to me?” He asked, voice full of concern.
“Yeah,” Luca forced himself to whisper.
Roy froze for half a second, taking in Luca’s somber expression. He knew what today was and how hard it would affect his brother, which is why he showed up. Today would be the first of many birthdays of Dontrell Di Lucas Bonetti without his presence. It was the first birthday that Luca was present instead of being behind bars.
Luca sat with his decisions and second guessed them. Early this morning he dropped down to his knees and begged God for understanding of his current situation with La’Nova. No matter how many times he told himself that it was wrong and that he shouldn’t have an ounce of like let alone love for her, it pained him to think about a life without ever seeing her face again. He felt tormented by it but didn’t know what was best for himself.
“If you want to be alone, bro…I’ll understand.” Roy exhaled.
Luca shook his head once as he winced a little from the sharp pain that hit his chest.
“It’s fine.”Luca signed with both hands instead of one.
Roy knew he wasn’t fine but he wouldn’t press him. He watched Luca stare down at his cognac like the answer to something might be floating inside of it. Luca still felt like his father should still be alive, happy that he was finally free from jail and ready to celebrate over dinner.
“You talk to LuLu today?” Roy asked carefully.
Luca’s jaw tightened before he signedno. Roy nodded because he expected that to be the answer. He just wanted to keep Luca engaged. La’Nova crossed Roy’s mind as he glanced toward the ceiling.
“She outside,” Roy stated the obvious first.
“I know.”Luca signed.
What him and La’Nova had was an unspoken understanding. It’s like they both could feel when the other needed space without communicating it. Another sharp pain coursed through Luca’s chest as he thought about what he was getting ready to do, although he was fully against hurting himself.
“She was looking out that small ass window,” Roy scoffed. “She’s waiting,” he added.
Luca remained silent, swallowing down a ball of emotions. He nodded his head, keeping his eyes focused on the brown liquid in his glass cup. That was the main problem to Luca. It seemed like both of them were always close enough to reach and patient enough to stay, but today, La’Nova served as the one thing that hurt him most… the twisted side of it all was she was the only person that could calm him and make his pain nonexistent, even if it only lasted momentarily; it still made him feel good.
A therapist would deem it unhealthy and codependent. Codependency was something his father never taught him. Everything he was doing with La’Nova was the opposite of the man he was raised to be. Luca discovered a fatal weakness in loving La’Nova, it all started to make him feel crippled.
“She’s the reason…” Luca whispered hoarsely, unable to finish his sentence.
“She’s the cause and cure like you said, bro,” Roy reminded him.
He felt conflicted about Luca and La’Nova’s relationship. To him, it wasn’t possible because if the shoes were on his feet, she would have been dead soon as he found out, no matter how hard he fell.
Luca leaned forward, resting his elbows against his knees, glass hanging loose between his hand. He hadn’t considered days like this… His love for her felt so strong that he hadn’t realized the hate he tucked away just to love her. There would be more days besides his father birthday that would make him think about her pulling the trigger. Days like holidays. His own birthday. Mourning had no cut off date.
“She makes me forget the pain sometimes…and I don’t like that,” he admitted quietly.
“Thinking about him no longer being here hurts so fucking bad.” His hoarse voice cracked.
“It ain’t weakness. It’s real,” Roy uttered.
“Maybe not weakness, but it feels like betrayal.” Luca stared down at the floor.
“It ain’t betrayal to keep living with the cards you got dealt,” Roy reminded Luca.
