Poor Luca wasn’t in denial about it just yet, but today was the turning point and the second heartbreak that Luca would keep under wraps, unbeknownst to his parents.
Soon as Kentrell landed on the top step to descend, Luca fixed his posture. He always wanted his brother’s approval and even questioned their mom on why had he taken his grandfather’s name when Kentrell was the oldest. Lucille’s only explanation was that Kentrell was named from a best friend that he never met before. At eight years old, Luca was smart. He kept his nose in books and had a love for cars and action figures.
He picked up on a lot and studied people without trying. So Luca picked up the disdain in his big brother’s eyes for him this morning as he stood on the top step.
“Can I come with you and Uncle Lennox today?” Luca signed the words.
He wanted to be close enough to feel included in whatever Kentrell and his uncle had going on for the day. Luca didn’t care that he hated his uncle Lennox while Kentrell loved him. Lennox hardly said any words to Luca; he only showed emotion toward Luca whenever his brother or sister-in-law was around to witness the interaction.
Again, Luca was smart. He knew for whatever reason, his uncle didn’t like him. Taking his father teachings to heart, he wouldn’t kiss his uncle’s ass to gain his liking. He told himself that his uncle had to love him since they were family and kept it at that. His mother once told him that family was supposed to be loyal, but it didn’t mean that they had to like one another.
Kentrell stopped halfway down the stairs. The look he gave Luca wasn’t anger. That would have been easier. Anger would mean that Luca mattered enough to provoke it. What met him instead was cold appraisal. He looked at Luca, offended by his existence.
“Hell no, lil weird silent nigga,” Kentrell spat.
Luca frowned. He hadn’t become comfortable with using his words since the accident of the blade meeting his throat. He was considered mute for the past year. He didn’t speak, and when he was by himself, he didn’t bother practicing. He spent most of his days in pain just to feed himself. Dontrell spent hundreds and thousands of dollars on his son’s medical careand even hired a personal therapist to get Luca to just utter one word.
When Dontrell noticed that it would take more time than he thought for his son to express himself, he ordered everyone close to him and close to Luca to learn sign language. He was adamant about it. He refused to see Luca treated differently or not accommodated for something he blamed himself for. Everyone knew sign language in their household down to the staff.
Kentrell was the first to learn it before their mother. Yet, when they were alone, he refused to speak it. It made him feel empowered to see his brother in pain and struggling.
“What did I do? Why you mad at me today?” Luca’s little fingers along with his hands moved swiftly with emotions.
“Nigga fuck you! Stop following me the fuck around. You not my responsibility. I can’t stand yo lil retarded ass.” Each syllable carried weight.
The words didn’t just hit Luca, they landed like a gut punch, stealing the air straight from his little chest.
“You my half-brother anyway, I bet yo dumb ass don’t even know what that means.” Kentrell chuckled evilly.
“I don’t want yo ass next to me, so stay the fuck away for I beat yo ass and put you back in the hospital.”
Luca stood frozen, his toy car slipped from his fingers and clattered against the marble floor. The sound echoed louder than it should have. Kentrell continued his walk down the steps. He bumped into Luca, but he didn’t bulge.
Luca’s tears didn’t spill from his eyes but it felt like a knife had been plunged into his heart. For a beat, he just stood frozen, staring at Kentrell’s back. He replayed the words and the look in Kentrell’s eyes when he spoke them seconds ago. He tried to rearrange it into something kinder. He even searched his mind for the reason. He wondered what he’d done wrong without ever considering he might have done nothing at all.
“Kentrell,” Luca’s whisper was barely audible.
Kentrell’s hand rested on the doorknob. Luca was shocked at his own willpower to speak. He hadn’t heard his voice in so long that it shocked him back into quietness.
“Oh, you trying to talk now?” Kentrell laughed then turned to face his brother.
Luca tilted his head and just stared at Kentrell in disbelief. The hurt sunk deep, it settled heavy in his chest. Anger rose inside of Luca so high that it scared him how fast it came in and took over his little body. He leaned into his anger, adrenaline pumped in each deliberate step he took toward Kentrell.
With everything he felt inside of him, Luca pulled his head all the way back then moved it forward with speed. He head butted Kentrell so hard the impact knocked the air out of both of them. Kentrell fell back, landing hard on his butt. He screamed, his voice echoing off the walls as he clutched his forehead and rocked back and forth.
Luca didn’t pamper the throb or pain in his own forehead. Before fear could catch up to him, he leaped on top of Kentrell. His small hands wrapped around Kentrell’s neck as tears streamed down his cheeks. Luca’s tears dropped on Kentrell’sface as he continued to squeeze his neck with all of his little might.
“You ever—” Luca shut his eyes, he embraced the pain that rose in his throat from speaking. “You ever talk to me like that again… I’ll fucking kill you.” His harsh whisper sounded broken.
From that day on, Luca started to notice everything. Even the flaws in his parents. What seemed to stick out the most was how Kentrell never used his name after that in front of him. He spoke around him, never to him. His father’s praises to Kentrell landed differently like a burden instead of a gift. He wondered if his father knew that he was just a half-brother to Kentrell and what that meant for their family.
Luca saw the tension in Kentrell’s jaw when their father interacted with him. Saw the resentment flicker when Luca was pulled close, protected, and cherished by both of their parents. Luca still loved Kentrell the way a younger brother did for a while after his heartbreaking words. He yearned for a nod, a word, a sign to tell Luca that he belonged beside Kentrell, but there was nothing.
Kentrell never budged. The hard truth that Luca learned by the age of eleven was that love could be equal and still not returned. Over time, Luca’s understanding shifted. Love to him wasn’t always gentle. Sometimes it came with coldness and absence of the mind. Sometimes it was learning when to stop reaching because reaching only taught people how easily you could be pushed away.
The realizations didn’t come all at once. It came in pieces, stacked on top of each other like bricks. Luca stopped waiting. Stopped watching his bedroom door for Kentrell to come talk tohim. Stopped memorizing Kentrell’s footsteps that he no longer wanted to walk in. He stopped adjusting himself to fit into a space that had never been meant for him in Kentrell’s heart.
It hurt at first, but it also steadied him. Luca rewrote the truth about his relationship with Kentrell. He rewrote in his mind what love meant to him as well.
