I don’t answer. I don’t think I want to know anymore.
“Because if I hadn’t, you would be dead.”
The air leaves my lungs in a sharp exhale. I knew I was dying. The others confirmed as much; they said I was seizing, and Orion looked at me like I had cheated.
My chest still feels tight and achy.
“The test is meant to fracture your mind. To turn your worst fears against you,” he says. “You broke before I could do any worse.”
My nails dig into my palms.
“I didn’t get a chance to fight,” I say, but I don’t believe the words. “You ended it too soon.”
I love Mercy. She is all I have left. I would not survive the loss of her. But I don’t want him to think I am weak.
Ender’s face is blank. I don’t know why I am pushing so hard to repeat that terrible test, but I feel uneasy at the thought of owing him anything. I’ve won every trial with my own merits, and this doesn’t sit well with me.
“You lost the right to a fair fight when you asked me to keep your mother out of it,” Ender says. “That test was rigged from the start.”
I look away from him, because he’s right. I weakened myself before him. I asked him to cut me some slack.
Ender tilts my chin.
“It’s one test, Warrick,” he says softly. “You can prove yourself in the next. I don’t think any less of you for it.”
“Yes, you do,” I whisper.
“I don’t,” he says. “Your love for those you care for is admirable. I envy it.”
“Would you fail that test?” I ask curiously. “If someone else did that to you?”
“Depends.”
“On what?”
His eyes remain on mine when he next speaks.
“On the person that they chose to use against me.”
chapter
thirty-eight
Haven
I’m not so shockingly kept in the dark about our next mission. I’ve been deprived of Knox’s good company while we drive over and relegated to the back with the other recruits. We sit, huddled on the padded benches, knees nearly touching, forced to face one another as the transport rattles on.
If I had to guess, we’re either hunting or attacking rebels; it seems to be all that we do. Both possibilities make me uneasy. I didn’t know we were leaving until we got assembled. I had no time to warn Idris on my comms link.
Unease filters through me.
Spider kicks my feet with his boot.
“Nervous?” he asks.
“No,” I say. “You?”
“Born ready.”
