Three a.m.
Honestly.
Friday arrives and we don’t fuck about.
That’s the first thing I notice.
Given that my flat is roughly the size of a generous wardrobe, packing it up is lessmove houseand morerelocate contents. Once you take the sofa-bed out of the equation, there’s really nowhere for delay to hide. By lunchtime, my entire life is in boxes, bags, and one suitcase that has seen too much.
The landlord does attempt a last-minute performance about notice periods and “standard procedure”. Theo puts on his I-was-a-lawyer-not-too-long-ago voice.
I don’t know what changes exactly. Tone, cadence, vocabulary. Possibly the implied threat of paperwork. But the conversation pivots fast. By the end, the landlord is wishing me all the best and clarifying that yes, of course, flexibility can be found.
Theo ends the call, looks at me, and says, “I should invoice him.”
By late afternoon, it’s done.
By Friday evening, I am sitting on Geoff’s sofa like a benevolent tyrant.
I have a clipboard.
This was inevitable.
“Right,” I say, scanning the room. “Corbin Three. Lamp first.”
Jasper stops mid-step. “I have a name.”
“Yes,” I say pleasantly. “But right now you’re Corbin Three.”
Theo raises his hands. “Just to clarify, we’re still not allowed to sit.”
“That is correct,” I say. “You are here to be useful.”
Ivy and Miranda are sitting beside me, perfectly still, smug in their immunity.
“We’re under strict instructions,” Ivy says sweetly. “No lifting. No bending. No heroic gestures.”
Miranda nods. “Goblin orders.”
“If either of you move,” I say without looking at them, “I will revoke tea privileges.”
Neither of them breathes.
Jasper hoists a box. “Where does this go?”
“If it says kitchen… the kitchen. Rest to my bedroom. If you’re unsure, stop touching it.”
Theo grins as he picks up another box. “You’re enjoying this.”
“I am thriving,” I reply, ticking something off the clipboard.
Geoff is hovering nearby with a roll of bin bags like he wants to help but doesn’t trust himself.
“Geoff,” I say.
“Yes.”
“Either carry something or become furniture.”
