“That’s when it completely disappears,” I say. “Usually before anything’s even really started.”
I shift on the sofa, suddenly hyper-aware of everything. My legs. My hands. The fact I’m a grown man discussingmy dick in a beige room with a woman whose name I cannot emotionally process.
“And just before that happens?” she asks.
I breathe out through my nose.
“Nothing,” I say. “That’s the problem. No spark. No anticipation. Not even a tingle. It’s like someone’s switched the lights off and left the building.”
“How long has it felt like that?” she asks.
“A few weeks,” I say. “Long enough that I’ve stopped telling myself it’s just timing.”
She hums. Thoughtful. Not disapproving.
“And what else has changed in the last few weeks?” she asks.
Ah. There it is. The actual question.
“I’m not in a relationship,” I say. “If that’s where you’re going.”
“Tell me about that.”
“I don’t really do relationships,” I say. “Or I didn’t. I dated. It suited my life.”
“I guess this means it doesn’t anymore. Before we look at what has changed, why don’t you tell me what that life was like, when dating was enough?” she prompts.
“Chaotic,” I say. “Jet-setting. Photoshoots everywhere. Milan one week, New York the next. Dating was dinner, drinks, maybe a night or two. Fun. Light. No drama.”
“And that worked for you,” she says.
“It did,” I say. Then pause. “I think.”
“What do you do for work?” she asks.
I hesitate. Just a fraction.
“I was a professional photographer,” I say. “Fashion. Commercial. I was working freelance.”
“Was? And now?” she asks.
“I stopped,” I say.
She doesn’t jump in. Lets that sit and then asks, “Recently?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” she digs deeper.
I look down at my hands. They’re still clenched, like they’ve got opinions.
“It was getting too much,” I say. “The travel. The pressure. Always having to keep up. And financially… I don’t have to do it anymore. I can retire.”
“And how does that feel?” she asks.
I huff a laugh. “Like I should be happy about it. But life is different now, with nowhere to go on a daily basis. And hookups usually came with the job.”
She hums again.
