She considers this for a moment.
“I don’t have a problem with you pausing dating,” she says. “In fact, I think it’s sensible.”
Relief hits fast. Too fast.
“But,” she adds, holding up a finger, “Idohave a problem if you’re doing it to avoid being seen.”
I open my mouth. Close it again.
“I’m not hiding,” I say. “I’m recalibrating.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Those are very close cousins.”
I sigh. “Look, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to explain myself before anyone’s even decided whether they like me.”
“That’s fair,” she says. “But tell me this: if your erectile dysfunction magically resolved tomorrow, would you still want to stop dating?”
I don’t answer straight away.
Not because it’s a trick question. Because for once, it isn’t.
“Yes,” I say eventually.
Pee-Pee blinks. Just once. Subtle, but I catch it.
“Yes?” she repeats.
“Yes,” I say again, firmer now. “Even if it all magically started working tomorrow, I’d still want to stop dating for a bit.”
She leans back in her chair. “Why?”
“Because I’ve got enough on my plate,” I say. “And, for the first time in a long time, it’s not all chaos.”
She waits but doesn't interrupt me.
“I’m really enjoying the teaching,” I add. “Like… properly enjoying it. Not as a hobby. Not as a distraction. I’m thinking about doing the training. The degree. Making it permanent.”
Her pen pauses mid-air.
“That’s a big shift,” she says.
“I know,” I reply. “Which is exactly why I don’t want to half-arse it while also trying to impress strangers over wine.”
She nods slowly. “Go on.”
“There’s Christa,” I say, choosing my words carefully. “And the baby. And my brothers. And for once, that feels like… enough. Not in a settling way. In a grounded way.”
She studies me. Not suspicious. Assessing.
“So this isn’t about running away from dating,” she says. “It’s about running towards something else.”
“That’s exactly it,” I say, relief creeping into my voice. “I don’t feel empty. I feel… occupied. In a good way.”
She smiles then. Not therapist-smug. Just warm.
“I like that answer,” she says. “It suggests you’re making decisions based on fullness rather than fear.”
I huff out a breath. “Does that mean I get a gold star?”
