“Does me being here make you uncomfortable?”
“I’m not used to sharing it with anyone.”
“Then why am I here?”
He looks up at me. “Because I want you here.”
I smile. “I want to be here too.”With you.“Now, feed me. I’m starving.”
There’s some action movie on the TV but I’m not really paying attention, my mind keeps replaying what happened tonight on a constant loop like a movie reel, flashes of images and snippets of conversation echoing through my mind.
“You okay?” Killian’s voice snaps me back to reality.
I glance across to find him studying me, concern etched in his brow. It’s almost as if he can sense where my mind has just been.
I nod slowly, but there’s no feeling behind it. “No,” I finally admit. “I thought I’d put it all behind me, but seeing Daniel again today brought it all back.”
“Sof said he was your ex?”
I nod. “We only dated for a few months. He was nice, he liked the same things I liked and it was comfortable. It was nice to have someone to spend time with.” I don’t know why I feel so compelled to keep talking, but it feels good to get it off my chest. “I knew he wanted to take our relationship further but I wasn’t ready for that, every time I thought I was, it just never felt right and I didn’t want to do it out of some kind of obligation. He tried initiating it a couple of times but excuses like having a headache or being on my period wore thin pretty quickly and the longer it went on, the more frustrated he’d get.”
I blow out a long breath before continuing.
“The last night we were together, I got a vibe off him, he just seemed totally off when I got to his apartment. He got a little full-on and I asked him to stop. He said I was being selfish and he got more forceful. When I tried to get away and grabbed me and hit me across the face. He threw me on the bed and pinned me down, saying some awful things,disgustingthings. Said that fighting would only make it worse for me. It didn’t stop me, though. I kneed him in the dick and that’s when he punched me.”
I reach up to touch my left eye, remembering the pain that spread across my face, feeling like my head would explode, remembering how easily it bruised and swelled.
“My head was spinning and I could barely keep my eyes open. When I finally snapped out of it, I was naked and so was he. He was on top of me, getting ready to…you know, and I remember thinking that this was it. He was going to rape me, and I’ve never been so scared in my life.” I shiver from the memory.
“Jesus Christ, butterfly,” Killian sighs, shifting closer to me, reaching for my hands.
“My mind kept screaming at me to fight him. I couldn’t just give up. He’d left a bottle of wine or something on the nightstand and I just grabbed it and I hit him over the head. It didn’t knock him out completely but it weakened him enough for me to run. And I ran. Grabbed my stuff and ran four blocks in the middle of the night in the pouring rain.”
“Fuck... You were so fucking brave.” He squeezes my hands in both of his.
“I don’t know what it was about Daniel that made me not want to give myself to him. Call me cliché but I always wanted my first time to be special, you know? And when I thought of being with him like that, it just felt wrong.” My eyes find his then. “The only man I’ve wanted like that is you,” I admit, my cheeks burning as I speak the words.
I pull my hands free of his and bury my face in them, angling away from him.
“I can’t believe I just said that…” I jump up off the sofa, wanting to bolt before I say anything else I’ll regret.
His hand shoots out, catching my elbow. “Kaia…”
“Don’t say anything, please.” I don’t turn around. I daren’t. I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye right now. My face feels like it’s on fire.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why do I keep humiliating myself?
He rises to stand behind me. “Kaia, that night when you tried to kiss me, I—”
“Don’t,” I cut him off, already feeling that familiar wave of mortification I felt that night creeping back in. “You don’t have to explain. It’s fi—”
“I don’t kiss,” he interjects.
I slowly turn to face him as his words sink in.
“It’s something that I don’t—won’t—do.Ever. I should’ve told you, but you took me by surprise.”
