“I love you,” he calls after me and I stop.
“I love you too,” I admit, the mixed emotions attached to those three little words has a sob catching in my throat. “But I wish I didn’t.”
41
“She’s so beautiful,” I gush, peering down at the baby girl sleeping peacefully in my arms, her tiny hand gripping my index finger like a vice, her chest rising and falling rapidly with every breath. I could stare at her all day. I’ve never held a baby before, and I don’t want to let go. It’s so comforting, so peaceful.
A wave of longing hits me out of nowhere, wishing it was me holding my own baby. To have a family of my own someday.
I glance up at Jade lying in the hospital bed in front of me, gazing at her daughter with so much love in her eyes. She only gave birth a few days ago, but due tocomplications, she wasn’t able to deliver the baby naturally and was rushed into an emergency C-section. Luckily, her and baby Jasmine are perfectly healthy.
“I wish Jack was here,” she says, her throat clogging up with emotion.
I lean forward and lay my hand over hers, giving it a squeeze. “He’d be so proud of you. But he’s still here, in your heart and inher. He’s always going to be with you, Jade.”
A tear tracks down her cheek, she makes no attempt to swipe it away. “I know.”
It’s bittersweet given her partner Jack isn’t alive to meet his daughter or become a father, but there’s no doubt that little girl will be taken care of spoilt rotten, especially by her uncles. Despite what they had planned for me, it’s clear family means everything to the Lawless men and Jade and her daughter will want for nothing.
“How are you doing anyway?”
“Exhausted,” she sighs. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way. They say I can go home in a day or two and I’m counting down the hours. The guys have been incredible. They even take shifts looking after her while I catch up on sleep. Especially Kil—” she slams her mouth shut before his name leaves her lips. She offers me an apologetic look. “I didn’t think.”
“You can say his name, you know? He’s not Voldemort.”
She laughs.
I haven’t seen Killian since New Year’s, almost three weeks ago. He’s respected my wish for space. He no longer turns up on Fi’s fire escape, he no longer texts me to check in. I suppose it’s what I meant by giving me space, but I came to appreciate those messages. It meant he was thinking of me,that hedidcare after all.
“How is he?” I ask her.
“He’s…Killian. You know him, not much of a talker especially when it comes to his feelings but… He’s miserable without you.”
“Good.” Now he knows how I feel, after all he did this to himself.Hedid this to us.
“He really does love you, you know?” she adds.
“I know. He opened up to me, told me things he’s never told anyone,personalthings. Things that happened in prison. I don’t doubt for a second that he loves me, I saw it. But after everything, how can I forgive him?Trusthim?”
“I’m not going to say what he did was okay, because it’s not,” Jade starts. “But if this past year has taught me anything, it’s to not waste a single second with the person you love. Cherish them.Forgivethem. You’ll never regret the moments you spent with them, but you will regret the times you didn’t.”
Tears spring into my eyes. She’s right. Even with the pain, I don’t think I could ever regret the time I shared with Killian. And even after everything, I still love him. I still want to be with him.
There’s power in forgiveness.Andstupidity. I just have to decide which one applies to me.
As if on cue, the door opens and Killian steps inside, hope lighting up his face when he sees me.
“Butterfly,” he exhales.
“Killian.” My heart races as we hold each other’s gaze. It’s annoying how he affects me still, how he sets my heart racing and my skin tingling, it’s like my body plays along to a tune only he knows.
Jasmine mewls, snapping us both out of the trance we found ourselves in. His gaze dips to the baby in my arms, an unreadable expression crossing his face. He swallows, turning his attention to Jade. “Just dropped by to check on you both.”
“I should get going,” I say, rising from the chair. “I’ll leave you to it. It was really good to see you, Jade.”
Jade smiles. “Don’t be a stranger okay?”
“I promise.” I return her smile before turning to Killian. “Would you like to hold her?”
