“No, you were just hopeful.” The sad thing is, I remember when I felt that way too. “I just hope it stays that way for them.”
You think when you find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, that that’s it. You’ll get married and live your lives together.
No one talks about what happens when that plan doesn’t work out, or how quickly your entire life can change. No one warns you what losing the love of your life will do to you, especially when you won’t really have time to grieve because you have another human to care for.
My eyes drift toward a group of women standing around each other, laughing—but none of them are Vienna. The fact that I even notice makes me feel uneasy, so I focus back on the conversation. “It’s easy to be optimistic until life throws some shit at you.”
“You think you’ll ever get married again?” Elliot asks. Given how my marriage ended and the heartache I went through, it’s a question I have answered before. It’s just been a while since I’ve had to think about my answer.
I shrug. “I honestly don’t know. You know Ellis is my top priority. That little girl deserves all of me. There’s not much room left for anyone else.”
“Sometimes I wonder if being alone is just easier,” Elliot says. “I mean, I never wanted a relationship until Tori, and look what fucking happened. I mean, hell, she even had me thinking about kids…”
I huff out a laugh. “You don’t have to explain that to me, man. I get it. But for future reference, if you find yourself having to change who you are or what you want in order to be with someone, they’re probably not the right person for you.”
He snorts. “I know damn well those words didn’t come from you. So what motivational speaker did you steal them from?”
Grief slices right through the center of my chest again. “My mom.”
Elliot’s grin fades. “Fuck, man. I’m—”
I hold my hand up to stop him. “Don’t. No pity.”
He shoves my shoulder. “You know the last fucking thing I’d give you is pity. You know how I feel about that shit.”
Nodding, I continue, “I know. But honestly, it freaks me out sometimes the things I remember about her and then how I can’t recall other stuff.” My beer bottle meets my lips as I take a swig. “Jesus, maybe I did need to get out. Maybe Laney and Fletcher’s wedding has got me all up in my head more than I thought.”
Elliot leans forward. “See? That’s why I needed you here tonight, Rhonan. You fucking understand where my head is at more than Fletcher or Henley. You get what it’s like to experience an endless spiral of thoughts that make you doubt yourself.”
“I might, but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to see you move past this either, man. We all do.”
Before I can say more, the DJ comes over the speakers, announcing the start of the bull riding contest. My eyes land back on Elliot. “I thought you said we had an hour.”
“I guess not.” Elliot rubs his hands together. “Fuck. Here we go,” he continues, dropping his eyes to his crotch. “Don’t let me down, fucker.”
“Jesus Christ,” I mutter to myself.
I only have to be here for a little while longer and then I can go home to my life—the one I’ve created that leaves the least room fordisappointment.
***
“Anything?” My voice is hopeful as I glance over at my friend.
Sighing, he drags a hand down his face in defeat. “Nothing.”
“Not even a twitch?”
“Nope.”
“Fuck.”
“Our next contestant is ready! Can we give her some encouragement, folks?” The crowd cheers in response to the DJ’s announcement.
Elliot and I turn back to the mechanical bull—and freeze.
“Is that…”
“Fuck my life,” Elliot grumbles.
