“I wanted to change the rules. He didn’t.”
“Rules?”
“It was just supposed to be casual. No attachment. No feelings. Just…you know.”
“Sex.”
Heat floods my cheeks. I should feel mortified talking to Joshua about sleeping with his dad. Part of me does. But Joshua has always had a way of making me feel comfortable. It’s probably why he was the first boy I kissed. And the first boy I had sex with. He’s always been my safe space. The one person I’ve never had to pretend around.
But there’s never been that spark.
Not like with Declan.
“Exactly.” I nod.
“But it became more for you,” Joshua remarks.
“It did. And I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry about?”
“Everything,” I say with a sigh. “Not telling you. Sneaking around. Breaking the rules and pushing for more. I’m the reason he went back to D.C., Josh. I’m the reason he abandoned you.”
“No, Claire. You’re not.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Listen to me.” He grips my biceps and turns me toward him, his eyes blazing with conviction. “This is not on you. Just like you’re not the reason your dipshit sperm donor left your mom. Hechoseto leave. Just like Declan did.”
“But I pushed him. I asked for more. I asked for too much.”
“There’s no such thing as asking for too much when all you’re asking for is what you deserve. If he’s not willing to give it to you, then he’s a fucking idiot.”
The timer buzzes overhead, contestants rushing trays to the front, powdered sugar pluming like smoke. The barn hums with holiday cheer, but I crumble, sobbing into Joshua’s chest.
“I ruined everything,” I choke out, all the emotions I’ve kept inside for too long overflowing. “I knew how important finding your father was to you. I never wanted to come between you.”
He cups my cheeks, pulling my eyes toward his. “It’ll take a lot more than you screwing my dad to get rid of me.”
Mortification surges, and I bury my face in his chest once more. “God, you make it sound so horrible.”
His chuckle rumbles against me, steady, teasing. “I can understand it. I mean, I got my good looks from somewhere.”
I pull back and meet his eyes, staring at him for several long moments. Then laughter bubbles up, spilling out of me until I’m shaking.
It’s the first time I’ve laughed in days.
“What did I do to deserve a friend like you?”
“As your mom would say, it was written in the stars.”
I wipe at my cheeks, unable to stop smiling, an enormous weight lifting off me. “Thanks for being so cool about everything. For not hating me.”
“I could never hate you.” He pulls me into a hug, touching a soft kiss to my head. “Why don’t you come over tonight? I’ll order tacos, crack open some growlers from Jude’s brewery. We’ll binge-watch baking shows and pretend we know what we’re talking about. Throw around terms like isomalt and fondant and royal icing like pros.”
“I’ll have you know Iama pro. Atwatchingbaking shows. Notactuallybaking.”
“I know.” He flashes me a wink. “So what do you say? Baking show marathon? Like old times?”
