“Mom…,” I groan, but it’s useless.
“I knew when you had sex for the first time… Again with Joshua. Again as practice. Again it was a mistake.”
I bury my face in my hands, wishing the world would just swallow me up so I can avoid having this conversation with my mother. But she’s never been the type of mom to avoid difficult topics. If anything, she’s always been the type of mother to blaze head first into them.
“I also know you smoked weed for the first time at your senior prom, and you got drunk for the first time during a party at McGregor’s farm the summer before senior year.” She takes a leisurely sip of champagne, her eyes never leaving mine. “So I’ll ask again. How long have you been sleeping with Joshua’s father?”
My pulse pounds in my ears, the sound deafening. Declan’s laughter cuts across the terrace again, and like one of Pavlov’s dogs, I glance his way. I try to play it off, pretend to take ineverything going on at the party, but when I return my attention to my mother, she smirks at me with a knowing gleam.
“I’m going to guess a few weeks. You definitely have that honeymoon-phase glow. When it’s still new and exciting.”
I part my lips to argue yet again that she’s wrong, but it’s useless.
“Heisthe guy from Boston,” I finally admit on a long exhale.
“I knew it! I told you I sensed a change in your aura.”
“I had no idea who he was.” I ignore her remark, not in the right head space to talk to my mom about my supposed “sexual awakening.” I doubt I’ll ever be.
“He was just an attractive older man who was also stranded in the city. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. Until I went to dinner with Joshua to meet his father…”
“That must have been some dinner.”
“You have no idea.” I laugh under my breath. “When I learned who he was, we agreed it would be best to pretend that night never happened. But then he moved into Finn’s townhouse, and we kept running into each other. And each time, it became harder to stay away.”
“I can see that,” she says without a hint of judgment. “There’s obviously quite an intense connection between you. I can feel the vibration between you two.”
I quickly shake my head. “It’s not like that.” I glance over my shoulder to make sure no one’s listening in on our conversation. Then I whisper, “We’re just having some fun while he’s in town. I know it can’t go anywhere. We both do. Hell, we probably shouldn’t even be doing what we are, all things considered.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“He lives on the other side of the country.” I lean closer. “Plus, he’s Joshua’s father.”
She studies me for a long moment, her analytical eyes raking over me in a way that completely unsettles me. “Is that a reason? Or an excuse?”
I open my mouth, ready to argue, but she places her hand over mine, cutting me off.
“Claire,” she says softly, but with weight. “I love you with all my heart. But I also know you. You want to be accepted, so much so that you’ll settle for less than you deserve if it means keeping the peace. You’re a lot like me in that regard. You’d rather accept pieces of someone rather than nothing at all.”
“That’s not true.”
She raises a single disbelieving eyebrow.
“I did that with your sperm donor,” she continues. “Convinced myself scraps were enough. That pieces of a man were better than none at all. I don’t regret it, because it gave me you and your sister. But now I know I deserved more. Just like you do.”
“I don’t want more.”
“Is thatreallyhow you feel? Or are you only saying it because it’s the only way you think you can have him?”
“I—”
“You’re an adult,” she says, giving my hand a squeeze. “I won’t tell you what to do. That’s never been my style. But I’ve been exactly where you are. If you want more, demand it. Don’t accept less than you deserve. Not from anyone. Not even a man who looks as good in a suit as he does. It’s probably why Grandma Estelle has essentially kidnapped him. You know how much she loves…what does she call it?”
“Suit porn,” I answer.
“That’s right!” She claps her hands. “Suit porn. And there is definitely some incredible suit porn going on with that man.”
“He also has some incredible sweater porn,” I add with a giggle.
