‘And you hadn’t?’
‘No, not in such absolute terms. When I got back to work after Mum’s birthday, I guess I saw my life for the sham it was. Imade it through one working week, then went out on a massive bender. I wanted to block everything out, not end it all. Me and a few colleagues went out drinking, then out to a club. As well as drinking my body weight in shots, I took any drugs I could get my hands on. I don’t remember anything about that night. All I know is what my therapist has told me. I ended up in some random girl’s house. When she couldn’t wake me, she called an ambulance. Given how much drink and drugs I had in my system, it was labelled an overdose, and I was sectioned for my own safety.’
I pulled Seb towards me, kissing his hair as he rested his head on my shoulder.
‘After I was discharged, I moved back home. But it never would have worked for long. Dad couldn’t handle having another invalid in the house, and my being there was making things even harder for Mum. It was Harry who came to my rescue. She’d just inherited this place and offered me the chance to live and work here. I honestly think she saved my life.’
‘The thing I don’t understand,’ I said, ‘is why you haven’t told me any of this before?’
‘I didn’t want to scare you off. Not everyone’s comfortable with mental illness. The thing is, Liv, although I’m so much better than I was, I still go through dark times. And I’m still on antidepressants, even though I’m trying to wean myself off them. Being with me will never be a walk in the park. I know how to manage my depression better than I ever have, but sometimes it creeps up on me, and I’m not much fun to be around when I get down.’
‘Seb, I’m not with you because you’re fun. You don’t have to be happy around me all the time. God knows I won’t be. I’m with you because I want to be with you. I want to know you, all of you, not just the good bits.’
Seb tilted my head toward him and kissed me. ‘You’re amazing, Liv. I can’t believe I’ve got another chance with you. But I don’t want you to feel pressure to stay with me if at any point it doesn’t feel right. I’m terrified of losing you, but I’m not about to do anything stupid if things go wrong. I’ve invested too much money into my therapist to squander it now.’
‘I don’t feel under pressure. And as for things going wrong between us, Seb, they’re only just getting started. Don’t go predicting our demise so early into our relationship.’
‘So, this is a relationship, then?’
‘If you want it to be?’
‘What about the others? What about Bertie?’
‘I think we should keep this to ourselves for a while. It would be so confusing to announce a new relationship to Bertie before he even knows about the divorce.’
‘I agree. He has to come first. I totally respect that.’
‘Speaking of Bertie, as much as I’d like to stay here all night, I’d better be getting back. Maggie and Stephan will be in bed by now, and I don’t want Bertie to wake up without me there.’
‘Of course.’
Despite the cold night air whistling through gaps in the Land Rover door, as I drove back to the farmhouse I felt as though I was glowing. Would the others be able to tell what had happened by looking at my face? When I arrived home, Maggie was the only resident still awake.
‘Sorry for being so long,’ I said.
‘No problem at all. Bertie went to bed like an angel and hasn’t troubled us since. I was just making a hot chocolate to take up to bed. Do you want one?’
‘No, I’m exhausted, but thanks for the offer.’
‘How did it go?’
My cheeks flushed. ‘How did it go?’
‘Yes, with your husband,’ said Maggie, frowning at me.
‘Oh, that, yes, it went surprisingly well. I’m hopeful we can move forward amicably, and now he’s resurfaced he’s keen to see Bertie.’
‘Thank goodness. A boy needs his dad. Well done for being so mature about everything. After what your husband put you through, no one would blame you for wanting revenge.’
‘And I might if I didn’t have Bertie to think of. Speaking of which, I’d better check on him.’
‘You do that. That boy’s a credit to you.’
‘Thank you and thank you for babysitting.’
‘Our pleasure. Goodnight.’
‘Night, sleep well.’
