“Why are you so quiet?” Farrah asks.
“I’m not.” I try to think of something to say to prove her wrong.
“What’s going on?” She beats me to the punch.
“Nothing.”
She sighs and rubs her forehead. “God, you’re so frustrating sometimes.”
“When I’m ready to talk about it, I will.”
She moves her chair closer to me, closing in the conversation. Then she grabs my arm like she really needs me to listen.
“You always say that, and you rarely do. I don’t understand how you expect to figure anything out when you only have yourself. It’s okay to need people, Monty.”
I want to tell her it’s not. I want to remind her about how bad it was the last time I did. She saw it. She saw me fall apart when my mom got remarried and completely forgot about me. I’m supposed to need my mother, and she is supposed to show up. I don’t think Farrah understands what it means when that fundamental relationship fails you so much.
I just tilt my head back and close my eyes. I don’t have the luxury of having any more breakdowns. I need my strength to get through this.
“Nope, not happening. I’m over it. Open your eyes and open up. I will stalk you and irritate you until you tell me, and you know I can do it. You know what I’m capable of.”
I know she means it when I see the tight line her mouth is forming.
“Farrah, just let it go.”
“No.”
When did everyone in my life become a bully?
“Fine,” I say, throwing my hands up. “I’m thinking of breaking up with Callahan.”
“What the hell?”
I rub my eyes, trying to stop the tears at just the thought. My heart feels like it’s going to rip out of my chest just to find his. Just to remind me that they belong together.
“I can’t do it, Farrah. I’m so scared that he is going to leave me first.” My voice wobbles and I can barely breathe. “I just rely on him so much.”
“What’s wrong with that?” She grabs my hand, squeezing it.
“If you don’t expect anything out of anyone, then you can’t be disappointed. I can’t expect him to be like this all of the time. I can’t expect to have him show up for me. You don’t understandhow attached I’ve grown to him. He couldn’t make it to my last appointment, and it felt…”
I try to breathe out the panic crawling up my throat, but it’s stuck there. It refuses to be released.
“I don’t know how to explain how it felt.”
“I hate that you feel this. I hate that you’re so scared of the worst, you can’t see all the good he brings to your life. You don’t rely on anyone, and I just wish you would give us a chance to prove you wrong.”
I wish that too, but I can’t risk it.
Nurse Rasheda walks over then and starts to take everything off of me. She must feel the tension because, for once, she is quiet.
We hold that same silence as we make our way to Farrah’s car. It’s not until we are parked outside of my house that she says something.
“Don’t break up with him. Give him a chance. You can be cautious, but try being open. Please.”
“I don’t even know how to be open.” I rest my head against the seat and close my eyes, the tiredness already taking over.
“What do you call these last few months?”
