He pulls me back and lays me down on his chest.
“My hair,” I say out loud after repeating it over and over again in my mind.
“I know.”
“No, you don’t. I’m losing my hair. This thing is taking something else from me, and I can’t…” I trail off, unsure of what I even want to say.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t get over this. I can’t feel like a woman with no womb and no hair.
I clutch at my chest as if to remind myself that those are still there. His arms and my hands seem to be the only things holding me together, which is probably why I lie that way until the sun sets. It’s only when we are swathed in darkness do I sit up again.
I can’t see if I have left more on his chest or if more has fallen onto my shoulders, which is probably for the best.
He grabs my hand and holds it tightly in his, reminding me that he is here. It helps to calm my breathing.
“I know I’m supposed to become a badass and shave it all off, but I can’t.” My words are shaky, and so quiet that for a moment I don’t think he hears me.
“You don’t have to.”
We both know that’s not true. I can’t go around leaving DNA everywhere, and I can’t handle watching it fall off slowly.
I touch my eyebrows to see if those are still there, and wonder when those might go too.
“Can you do it for me?” I turn to look at him, but can barely make him out.
“Of course, love.”
We get up and make our way back to the bathroom. Seeing the floor and sink, I cry out a little. I press my hands against my mouth to stop it from happening again.
Turning to face the mirror, I’m relieved when it doesn’t look as bad as it feels. I want to touch it, but I know that will only make more fall out.
Instead, I look at my eyes to see they are rimmed with red and puffy. My nose looks rubbed raw, and my lips poutier than usual. I look a wreck, and he is seeing it all.
He pulls out an electric shaver and comes to stand behind me, looking at me through the mirror.
“You sure about this?”
All I can manage is a nod, and he plugs it in.
I can’t watch him do this, so I close my eyes. I hear the buzz and hold my breath when I feel the first pass through.
I don’t know if I breathe the whole time while he slowly takes away my joy and pride. I don’t open my eyes until I feel his hand press over my head and touch skin.
When I look, I fall against him unable to hold myself up again. While I’ve always loved a bald baddie, I don’t know how to see myself that way.
We sit in silence for a moment while I take it in. Trying to find a bright spot in this dark sky, I fight to stay positive.
“I have a weird-shaped head,” I say, causing him to laugh.
This finally gets a smile out of me, that slowly dies when I look at the floor.
My damn hair was down to the dip in my back blown out, and all that length is gone.Gawd Damnit.
I wait for him to turn it off, but instead he slides me to the side a little bit.
“What are you doing? You have like five hairs on your head.”
“Yeah, but I got a beard.”
