“From what?”
How do I explain something I have told no one? How do I put into words this urge that makes me feel ungrateful?
“I just thought that all I wanted was to be a dancer on tour or in videos, but it doesn’t feel as good as I thought.”
“Do you know why?”
“I think it has to do with the lack of creativity. I love dancing, but I love choreographing more. It’s like music is this language that I speak, and I feel like I haven’t been having the conversations I want to have.”
I press my hand against my temple, trying to ward off the uncertainty that fills my mind every time I think about not doing what I do now. Especially after being given this continued opportunity to live.
“I think you need to change that, then. I saw the way you dance. It’s clear you love it. But maybe you just love it when you get to feel the music instead of see the steps. Start over. It’s scary, but it will be worth it.”
I bite my lip to keep myself from smiling. I shouldn’t like talking to him this much, and I certainly shouldn’t feel like taking his advice.
I change the topic to learn more about what he does. The way he speaks about cars, it’s clear that’s where his passion lies. They make sense to him, and working on them is this soothing escape that shuts everything else out. Cars sing to him, and he can always move to their song.
“I’m fulfilled career-wise, but I thought at thirty-four I would have the kids and wife I always wanted.”
This causes a twinge in my heart at the reality that I can’t give him that. Maybe I should put him out of his misery now before he keeps pointlessly pursuing me.
“You know I can’t do that, right? Have kids.” I hate that my voice trembles and my eyes water.
I don’t know when I’m supposed to stop feeling this way about this, but I really hope it’s not forever.
“I know you can’t get pregnant, but that’s not the only way to have kids, Monty.” He doesn’t sound put off, and I don’t know why that makes me feel relieved.
“Yeah, but I’m just not…” I trail off. I don’t know how to say I’m not sure if that’s enough. Not sure if I’m enough.
“Whatever you’re thinking, I’ll tell you every day that it’s not true. I get that it matters to you how it happens, but it damn sure shouldn’t matter to any man that you are with. A lifetime of raising them is a lot more important than the nine months of bringing them into this world.”
I bite my lip to keep myself from crying and just nod my head, even though he can’t see it.
I shouldn’t need validation from someone else, and I never want to be like Sahara, but sometimes you need someone else’s voice to be louder than the one in your head.
“That’s about all I can take tonight,” I say to try to end the call so I can blubber alone.
“Well, once again, you have kept me up later than I should be,” he says.
“Tomorrow is Saturday. Don’t you have the day off?” I ask.
“I can, if you agree to spend it with me.”
I look up the stairs like I can see my sleeping best friend.
“Farrah is here.”
“Bring her. I need to get to know your maid of honor.”
He is relentless, and I don’t know if it’s adorable or baffling. Even though it’s clear he wants to get to know me, I don’t know if he knows enough to feel this way. I know I want him to really know me. I don’t want to fight this anymore. Even if I’m not ready to give up on Charlie, I am ready to stop pretending I don’t also want something with Callahan. It’s time for me to finally pursue him back.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Callahan.” With that, I hang up and wrap my arms around myself.
Chapter 14
Farrahisthrowingmyclothes around, trying to find the appropriate outfit that tells Callahan that I want him. Although that is true, being in the throes of fighting cancer is not the time to be starting anything else. Even if what my dad said about needing someone has been plaguing me. I know I’m going to survive this, but my life has been forever shifted. This will always be a defining moment, and what do I want it to define?
“Here we go!” she yells, holding up a pink leather jacket she bought me years ago.
