I nod my thanks before sinking into the quiet of the room. I don’t know if it’s too soon to hear a heartbeat, but the long silence tempts me to take a look.
“Am I supposed to see something?” Farrah asks, making me open my eyes.
I wait for the tech to respond, but she just keeps looking.
“I am going to have to ask the doctor to come in for his opinion.” She stands and turns the light back on, on her way out.
Farrah and I both stare at each other while we wait for him to come in. More time passes than either one of us is comfortable with before he finally walks into the room.
He takes over what the tech was doing and starts pressing on my stomach. I hold my breath the whole time.
“What’s going on?” Farrah asks, already switching into an authoritative mode.
The girl knows how to dress someone down and get all the answers she needs in under five minutes.
“We aren’t exactly sure. We need to run more tests,” he says finally, lifting the thing off of me.
“How aren’t you sure?” she asks, her voice picking up a pitch.
I squeeze her hand to let her know it’s okay, prompting her to lower her hackles.
“Your blood test measured high levels of HCG, which usually means you are pregnant. It could be something else causing the levels to be high, like a chemical pregnancy or something from the medications you have taken. So we need to do more bloodwork and a vaginal ultrasound.”
“So what is she supposed to do in the meantime? Just not know what is going on with her? You have to know more than that.”
“I can’t make any statements until we have more information. There is no need to go down any paths just yet. Let’s start with doing the ultrasound before you leave.”
She continues to argue with him, demanding more information than what they are providing. She also requests all the bloodwork to be done today as well, and the results to be given this week. He tries to leave the room, but she follows him, likely making sure her requests are met. I just sit in silence, trying to process everything.
Thirty minutes ago I wished so badly not to be pregnant. Now the possibility of it being anything else seems more frightening. I guess this is why you should be careful what you wish for.
I look down at my stomach like it will hold some sort of answer, and don’t look back up until Farrah is in the room. She leads me out, explaining everything as we go. I barely register her words, too busy trying to find mine to express how I feel.
Chapter 9
Farrahmadesureeverythingshe wanted happened. Before we left the building, they did more blood tests, a CT scan, and another ultrasound. The deeper examination showed lumps that had a ball form in my throat. It meant I had to get a biopsy.
Now, a few weeks later, Farrah and I are sitting in my family doctor’s office. She has a notebook like she is ready to jot down everything he says.
I’m too busy trying to focus on breathing to even register that I might need to remember this in more detail than my mind alone is capable of.
He looks just as upset to be here. He clears his throat, bringing his folded hands to rest on the desk.
“I’m sorry to have to say this, but you have Stage Two ovarian germ cell cancer.”
Farrah gasps, and I close my eyes.
There is silence in the room as we all process what he said.
Cancer. I have cancer. I was right to assume before that a baby would have been better than whatever has come out of this now. I’m thirty-two and I have Stage Two cancer. My brain tries to let thatstatement sink in, but it keeps bouncing off my disbelief. There was never any indication that this would be the turn my life would take. But why would there be?
“How?” I hear myself ask, my voice as raw as my nerve endings seem to be.
“I can break down how cancer grows, but I don’t think that is what you’re asking me. There is no solid explanation for how or who this tends to happen to. Unless you have it in your family.”
As if leaving us when I was a kid wasn’t enough, the lack of information on her side means it could possibly come from them. Had I known her, would I have been able to see this coming? Would I have been tested for it before?
“What now?” I let go of the past and look towards a future that looks like a never-ending tunnel. We are at the opening and I can’t see the other side.
