But he cupped her chin and forced her to look at him, even as he steadied her hips so she stopped moving.
“Please marry me,” he whispered.
She froze, all thoughts of pleasure, either hers that was fading or his that she reached for, were gone. She stared into his eyes, uncertain if this was real or some kind of fantasy in the midst of intense connection.
But he appeared earnest.
“Alexander,” she whispered.
“Please, marry me,” he repeated.
She flung herself off of him, crashing back on the seat behind her as she tucked herself against the carriage wall. He didn’t react to the escape except to tuck his still-hard cock back into his trousers and fasten them.
“You don’t mean that,” she gasped out.
He tilted his head with the slightest smile. “Don’t I? I thought I did when I asked it. Twice.”
“Well, if you mean it, you’re addled by sex,” she snapped. “Because there is no way you could ever want to marry me,Alexander. That would be pure folly and Iknowyou’re not a fool.”
There was a flutter of pain that moved across his features at that rejection, but he didn’t get louder or bigger or more threatening as so many men she’d known would have done. “And why would it be folly for me, Julia? Explain it.”
“You know why!” she said. “Because of what I am, who I am. Because in a day or two, the world will become fully aware that my marriage to your own cousin didn’t happen and that he is engaged or even married to another. It would only multiply what would already be a scandal even if I hadn’t been with Laurence first.”
“And yet you were willing to overlook the scandal with my cousin.”
“I didn’t give a damn abouthim,” she cried out, and then heard the words echo in the air. Tears had begun to sting her eyes, ones she couldn’t blink back now because they were too much. This was too much.
“Julia,” he whispered, and reached for her hand.
The brush of his fingers was almost painful, it was so warm and wonderful and tempting. But she drew back. “If Laurence Castleton wanted to wreck himself, I didn’t care. I would have gotten what I needed and if he came to resent me, I suppose I expected it. But not you, Alexander. I couldn’t bear that with you. And youwouldresent it because it would not only make you a pariah in Society, but it would destroy any relationship you ever could have had with your grandfather and your cousin. They would be sure of it. They would hurt you to punish you.”
“So your rejection is about them. About me and what I need.” He shrugged. “And what if I told you I already considered all those things and I would be fully willing to accept them?”
“But you don’t even know what you’re accepting!” she argued. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” he asked, without changing his expression even one bit.
“Like you can fix everything, when you can’t,” she said. She wanted to shout it, but it came out as a whimper because what he was offering was so lovely a thought. “You don’t know me. You don’t know the truth of me.”
“Then tell me. Tell me all the ugliness. Tell me everything.”
“My father sold me when I was achild,” she burst out. “He had lost control of my sisters and he would have his marriage no matter the cost. It was only Arabella and Evie who swept in and dragged me out of a window on my wedding day that kept me from an even worse fate.”
His face had changed now. Twisted not in disgust but in empathy and pain on her behalf. “My love,” he whispered.
“No. No, not your love. Don’t say your love,” she begged. “Everyone thinks he died accidentally, but he didn’t. He came tokillArabella. He blamed her for the loss of his good name and the future he wanted. He kidnapped her and tried to murder her and in his madness he turned the gun on himself. It was covered up, but at any point it could come out. So if your foolish plans go through, you will not only marry a whore, but a whore who was first to marry your cousin, a woman your family despises.”
“Not my mother,” he said. “Not the family I care about.”
“But the one that can destroy you,” she said, and finally grabbed his hands. Touching him was like fire and she forced herself to not let go. “Alexander, he will. And it won’t even be difficult for him, because despite your lovely mother’s kind acceptance, that won’t be the world. My sisters have both struggled with approval. They and their husbands have been shunned from time to time. And that will be your future.”
“I can’t say that won’t happen, all of it,” he said. “But what else have your sisters experienced by accepting the future with their husbands? Arabella always looks joyful. Evelina is about tohave a baby. There will always be good, there will always be bad. Surrendering the first out of fear for the second doesn’t make you brave or a protector. It makes you frozen.”
“It’s easy for you to say,” she said. “You won’t be the one who burns the world down. The one who knows it was your fault.”
“I promise you, having you look at me like you’re afraid of me and what I’m asking isn’t easy,” he said, and for the first time she saw the flicker of his pain. “Please, Julia.”
“No,” she said even though it tore her apart to say it. “No.”
