“Stop it, Dixon. You are one of the best men I’ve ever met. No Alpha can stop what happens as they age without mating. It’s not your fault.” Tray reached over to squeeze my knee affectionately.
"Come on, man. You've seen the headlines. 'Dixon St. James' LatestBar Fight.' 'Oblivion Haze Guitarist Arrested Again.' I'm now the guy who solves problems with his fists. Fuck, how many headaches have I given Catalina over the last year?" I stared out the window at the palm trees blurring past. "What if Tessa sees those articles? What if she thinks that's all I am? She probably didn’t see any of it while homeless. I want to make a good impression now, so if she sees that shit later, she won’t think the worst of me."
"Dix—"
"I punched a wall yesterday, because the frozen blueberries were iced over." I laughed bitterly. "Real mature, right? I ignore the damn things for weeks, and then I get pissed when they’re covered in freezer burn. Meanwhile, Mac's cooking her gourmet meals, Ryder's probably composing her a fucking sonnet, and you..." I gestured vaguely at him. "You make everyone feel like sunshine just walked into the room."
Tray was quiet for a long moment. When he finally spoke, his voice was unusually serious. "You want to know what I see when I look at you?"
"Enlighten me,” I grumbled, staring down at my hands now. I couldn’t help but think of all the damage they’d caused, all the shit they’d broken, all the people they’d hurt. I’d even hurt Tray. Broken his fucking ribs.
"I see a man who would die for his pack," Tray said firmly. "A man who went to juvie without fighting it because he believes in accountability. A man who carries the weight of Rick's death like it's his personal cross to bear, even though we all know it wasn't your fault."
“It was my fault. I?—”
Tray cut me off. “Yeah, you bought the drugs because he asked. You have paid your dues for that, Dix. Stop carrying the burden, man.”
He turned onto Sunset Boulevard, the late afternoon sun glinting off the storefronts. Passing by all the fancy boutiques with their windows of luxury items made me glance down at the plant again. Rather than feeling like I could have chosen better, I felt more resolute in my choice. I’d done something right for once.
"No one’s perfect, Dixon. You’ve got to stop holding yourself to some impossible standard.” Tray took another turn, steering the Jag deftly.
“I want to be perfect.” I stared at my knuckles, still bruised from yesterday's encounter with the kitchen wall.
"Perfect for who? Tessa?" Tray shook his head. "She's not looking for perfect, Dix. None of us are perfect. She's looking for real."
"You don't know that."
"I know she's been through hell. People who've survived what she has? They can smell bullshit a mile away. If you try to be someone you're not, she'll know."
The Jag climbed up a hill, pushing my body more firmly against the leather bucket seat. I stared straight ahead. The sun was beginning to lower, a riot of color blooming over Los Angeles. I loved this city. Loved my pack. Loved my job. Loved Tessa. Why the fuck would I try to be anyone I’m not?
“Thanks, Tray.”
“No need to thank me for speaking the truth.” He gave a little shrug, continuing to steer us homeward.
I thought of who I’d become. Who I wanted to be again.
The ferality had seeped in slowly, changing me down to my marrow. All I’d wanted was to be good again. I’d constantly wanted to be the guy who’d never hurt another soul. Instead, every day of the past year had left me feeling like more of a monster.
Yet, Tessa was here now. Hope had arrived.
My gaze flicked down to the single vibrant flower nestled against the deep green of the succulent.Hope.
38
TRAY
SEVEN DAYS AFTER TESSA’S ARRIVAL...
I was halfwaythrough the bag of sour watermelon gummies by the time Tessa came back with a ‘healthier’ study snack. She placed the sliced apples with peanut butter down on the coffee table before plopping back onto the sectional.
“Did you study up while I was gone?” She waggled her eyebrows at me.
“You were gone two seconds.” I’d made a flippant comment yesterday about quitting college. I’d only enrolled as a mode of keeping myself busy so I wouldn’t focus too much on my deteriorating mental state. Crazy what a guy’s unmated Alpha nature could make him do when it started rearing its ugly head.
“I was gone ten minutes at least,” she countered, pursing her lips and giving me a disappointed shake of her head now.
“Told you I wasn’t a star student. Guess you’re just going to have to tutor me a lot. All the time. My college success depends on you.”
