“Youarea genius, but…”
“Did you have fun out on your nature trip?” she said, and I took a second too long to remember what she was talking about.
“Oh, yeah… I mean, it was nice until it was raining.”
“It started raining pretty early. When did you go out?”
I guess she would know that, if she’d been up since sunrise. I shouldn’t have lied about it, but I thought it would just be a little thing I wouldn’t have to follow up on. “I don’t really remember,” I said. “It was pretty early, though. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll make some coffee?”
“Were you out all morning?”
I got a shudder down my spine, stopping and watching her for a cold second. “Why… do you ask? Did something happen?”
“Nothing, just curious,” she said, and she leaned back against the edge of the table island, giving me anuncharacteristically serious look. “I popped out to grab pastries for breakfast, and I ran into Jade getting you two some croissants. She said you weren’t feeling too well and were sleeping in this morning.”
I flushed cold, standing stock-still with a distant ringing in my ears. “I…”
“What’s going on?” she said, and my eyes pricked with a hot, wet sensation. I shook my head.
“I don’t…”
“There’s been a lot of lying and talking behind people’s backs recently, and I’d like it if you told me the truth.”
Breathing felt difficult, thin, my chest tight. I really had ruined everything, in the end. I should have known that kind of thing followed me everywhere I went. I crumpled against the wall, my face in my hands. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I wasn’t trying to… I just didn’t want to hurt anybody.”
“So what is it?” she said, her voice casual in a way that just made it hit harder. “Have you been sleeping with her or something?”
“I…” I looked down at the floor. She let out a big breath, shaking her head.
“You could have just said so.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” My words came out pitifully hysterical, and I couldn’t control them, couldn’t control what I was saying or how I was saying it or anything that was happening right now. I felt like the floor had opened up and I was sinking, already knee-deep and disappearing fast. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t care who you’re sleeping with, but I don’t like being lied to about it. Do you not trust me?”
“I do! I’m sorry. It’s just…”
“Just what?”
Jesus, I didn’tknow.Just that I didn’t think I was worth keeping around if I was getting in the way with things like that. I broke, one stupid sob coming out of my mouth with anI’m sorry, and Daniela sighed hard, raking her hand back through her hair.
“I’m not trying to attack you,” she said. “I’m just really hurt that you’re sneaking around behind my back.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Please, will you stop apologizing?”
“I just didn’t want to hurt anybody.” What was the point, though? I was just hurting everyone everywhere I went. All these people who had given me everything I could have wanted, too.
She groaned, a hand to her forehead, and she turned away. “God, I need a minute,” she said. “I don’t think we’re getting anywhere. I’m going upstairs for a bit.”
“I’m…” I almost saidI’m sorryagain. I managed to cut myself off, but instead I had nothing, just a hollow ball in my chest and in my mouth where words should have been.
“I’ll make dinner later,” she said, and she walked out of the room, leaving me to where I sank down along the wall until I was sitting on the floor, my face in my hands.
I hated how stupid I was. Hated how useless I was, how I kept doing this no matter what I did, just broke everything wherever I went.
I moved like I was in a bad dream, my body not working quite right, as I somehow found my way back into the room in the basement. The little studio that Daniela had turned into a bedroom for me without complaint, had let me stay in without charging me a penny, and where she’d woken me up with breakfast more mornings than not, and I dwelled in the thought ofI’m sure she’ll be glad once I’m gone.Maybe I could at least make someone’s day by leaving them alone.
